


Something Just Like This

by Belladeana



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Denial of Feelings, Drunken Confessions, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Feelings Realization, Grief/Mourning, Jealousy, Sexual Tension, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-04 19:31:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12777936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belladeana/pseuds/Belladeana
Summary: ”Overreacting much?” he says, looking at her.”Not really, no”, she answers. ”Just know when I’m not welcome and recognize an asshole when I see one.”When Clarke first meets Bellamy, she really doesn’t like him. In fact, she kind of hates his smug, cocky attitude and that annoying smirk on his beautiful face. But then somehow he grows on her. Until one day she realises he is all she wants. But Bellamy doesn’t do relationships, and neither does Clarke.But then an accident happens and everything Bellamy and Clarke thought they knew about themselves and each other changes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ”But you'll never be alone  
> I'll be with you from dusk till dawn  
> Baby, I'm right here  
> I'll hold you when things go wrong  
> I'll be with you from dusk till dawn  
> Baby, I'm right here”

She spots him, almost right away. With his mop of curly, dark hair, his freckles covering his cheeks, his high cheekbones and defined jaw and his dark, brown eyes he is stunning. As her eyes wanders over him, she can tell he takes care of himself. His tight t-shirt leaves little to the imagination, revealing muscled arms, toned chest and a six pack to die for. His narrow hips and strong legs completes the picture. The guy is gorgeous. Just her type. Just the kind of guy she could decide to get lost in for one night.

Unfortunately, he knows he’s hot. He is carrying himself with an arrogant stance, checking out the room, even though he has his arms slung around two girls, glued to his sides. The cocky smirk pasted on his face doesn’t improve her first impression of him. She instantly decides against him. The last thing she needs is another stuck-up, self-absorbed loser in her life, even if it’s just for a night. 

That’s when Octavia suddenly squeaks ”Bellamy!” and rushes straight for Mr Hot-and-Cocky and the guy in question completely changes from one second to the other, dropping the girls, extending his arms, wrapping Octavia up in a tight hug as his expression turns warm and open, and a goofy grin is spreading on his face as he exclaims ”O!” So yeah. Of course. Of all the guys at the party, the guy she had impure thoughts about just seconds ago is Octavia’s brother. Just her luck. She slightly panics, thinking she should try to disappear into the crowd to gather herself before Octavia remembers her, but no such luck either, because right then Octavia turns towards her.

”Clarke! Get over here and meet my brother!”

Octavia waves at Clarke and she has no choice but to walk over to say hi, as she would be considered awfully rude if she didn’t. Bellamy is checking her out as she approaches, an appreciative grin forming on his face.

”Clarke, this is Bell, my big brother, and Bell, this is my new room mate I’ve told you so much about!”

Bellamy lets go of Octavia, extending a hand, his handshake firm, ending with a little squeeze. He smiles at her, those brown eyes giving her a flirty wink.

”So, Clarke. Welcome to my humble residence. Can I fetch you something to drink? We’ve got beer and cider, what’s your poison?”

Clarke is still a bit thrown by the fact that she is so attracted to him, so she doesn’t really think before answering.

”I don’t like beer and cider’s to sweet for my taste, so unless you’ve got some white wine, I guess I’ll have to pass.”

Bellamy’s expression changes then, the warmth and interest that was there replaced by a look of indignation as his jaw clenches.

”Nope. No wine. But even if there had been, wouldn’t have been fancy enough, I bet. This isn’t The Hilton, you know?” he says coldly, as his eyes darts away, dismissive. ”From what O has told me, that’s more up your alley, princess? I’m surprised she could convince you to come slumming with us.”

”Bell, don’t be a rude ass!” Octavia says, shoving Bellamy in the side. Clarke knows she should keep her mouth shut and let Octavia deal with her brother, but something about this guy just rubs her the wrong way and anger flares in her chest.

”Octavia, give him a break. His harem just dispatched, of course that’ll leave him cranky”, she says. Bellamy’s eyes returns to her, one eyebrow raised.

”Meaning?” he says.

”Oh, you seem like a fairly clever guy? Octavia claims you even read. I’m sure you can figure it out, all by yourself”, she says, winking at him as a mockery to him doing that to her earlier. 

She doesn’t wait around to see how he will respond, she just turns around and walks out of the apartment, away from the party. She hears Octavia calling her name, but she doesn’t care, just runs down the stairs as fast as she can.

Once outside she can breathe again. What an asshole! She can’t believe this is the same guy Octavia has spoken so warmly about. The same guy that practically raised Octavia on his own, gave up his college dreams to work as a barrista at a coffee shop during the weeks and as a bartender come weekends, all to be able to put Octavia through college instead. 

Clarke’s phone buzzes, breaking her out of her thoughts. She looks down at the display, seeing Octavia’s number. She instantly regrets her outburst. Poor Octavia, she had been so excited about seeing her brother and for Clarke to meet him, and now this. She picks up the call.

”Yeah, Octavia, look I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have said what I said, I ruined the evening, I know, I just...”

”You didn’t ruin anything!” Octavia growls. ”It was my stupid brother. He can be so over sensitive at times. Has he caught up with you yet?”

”What? No? Why? Did he follow...” 

She sees him then, sprinting towards her, looking a bit flushed.

”Nevermind. He’s here. Talk to you later, Octavia.” 

Bellamy stops in front of her. He looks slightly annoyed and embarressed. Clarke knows he didn’t come on his own accord, but was probably pushed out the door by an enraged Octavia.

”Overreacting much?” he says, looking at her.

”Not really, no”, she answers. ”Just know when I’m not welcome and recognize an asshole when I see one.”

He rolls his eyes at that, shrugging a little, hands in his jeans pockets. ”Yeah, yeah, I’m an ass, sure, but you didn’t have to storm out like that, come on!” He tilts his head a bit, going for charming, but there’s no way she’s buying that.

”Yes, I did, actually. I’ve had it with cocky guys thinking they can get away with being smartasses, just because...” She almost says ’just because they are hot’ but thank god she catches herself in time.

”Just because what?” he asks. When she doesn’t respond, he continues. ”Look, I’m sorry if I was hard on you, ok? But could you please accept my apology and come back to the party? Octavia will rip my head off if you don’t, ok? I get that you don’t like me much, but you don’t hate me enough to want me dead, huh?”

He smiles a little then, bending down, trying to catch her eyes. She feels herself warming up to him again, he is so ridiculously hot and she is so drawn to him, like an instant attraction she has rarely felt, but no way is she making it easy for this guy. So she just shakes her head, folding her arms across her chest.

”No, sorry, but I won’t. Party mood’s ruined. No hard feelings, though. You go have fun and tell Octavia we’re ok? Ok?”

He straightens then, looking a bit uncertain, as he doesn’t know how to handle the situation. 

”Do you want me to walk you somewhere? Or call a cab?” he says, questioning. ”I really am sorry, ok?”

She looks up at him, and he suddenly looks so serious and honest, she almost changes her mind, but then she remembers Finn and she instantly closes up again.

”No, it’s fine. The bus stop is just another block away. You just go on, ok?”

He seems to make up his mind then.

”I’ll walk you”, he says, and she almost tells him off but then she feels ridiculous starting up another argument about something so trivial, so they just fall quiet beside each other, as they get moving. It’s kind of awkward and no one speaks and when they finally reaches the bus stop, she just wishes he would say good night and get back to his party, but he doesn’t. He just stands there, all stern and quiet, resolved, and she doesn’t know what to say either so she just keeps quiet and the silence is so thick between them, it’s almost palpable and then, thank god, the bus arrives. She turns to him then.

”Thanks, for... this. You didn’t have to, but still. Thanks.”

”Yeah, well. I might be an ass but I’m not an idiot.” The look in his eyes is intense, boreing into her. 

”Yeah, ok. I guess. So, I guess I’ll see you... sometime”, she says, as she steps on the bus. She hears him snort behind her.

”Yes, I guess you will... princess.” 

When she takes her seat her eyes catches his as the bus pulls away, but she can’t seem to look away and he stands there, looking after the bus until it turns a corner and disappears out of sight.


	2. Chapter 2

When she gets home to her and Octavia’s dorm room, she just tosses her bag by the bed and goes to the bathroom to take a shower. It feels wonderful with the hot water against her skin, and she stays in a little longer than she should, but she just doesn’t care. When she’s done she washes her face, removing all the make up, then brushing her teeth thoroughly. When she finally climbes into bed, slipping beneath the sheets, she feels so much better. She considers reading a chapter in the new novel she borrowed from the library the day before, but decides against it. She’s way to tired. Instead, she turns off the lights, snuggeling into her pillow and within minutes she’s on her way to falling asleep, when her phone suddenly buzzes. She is slightly startled, annoyed at being woken up but to curious to not check who it is.

She’s gotten a mms from Octavia. When she opens it, it’s a picture of Bellamy, holding a sign that reads ”Please forgive me for being an unsensitive bastard and do note that my sister got all the social skills in the Blake family”. Bellamy is clearly in the middle of a major eyeroll as the picture is taken and Clarke just can’t help but smile a little as she sees it. She sends a text back, ”Cute!” followed by a smiling emoj and then adds some z:s, to let Octavia know she’s home and going to sleep. Octavia instantly replies with a thumbs up and a heart, which makes Clarke smile before she drops her phone on her night stand. Within minutes, Clarke is asleep.

When she wakes up, Octavia isn’t home. She gets a little worried but checks her phone to find a message saying she’s crashing at Bellamy’s, so apparently the siblings made up after last nights debacle. Clarke feels better, knowing that.

In the harsh light of soberness, Clarke must agree somewhat with Bellamy’s statement from last night. She did kind of overreact to the comments he made the night before. Didn’t make him less of an asshole, but still. If it hadn’t been for the Finn situation, she probably would have just shrugged it off and given Bellamy a smartass comeback, then gotten on with the party. But Finn has damaged her basic trust in people, and she realises she is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking everyone has got hidden agendas.

Finn. The charming, cute whirlwind of a boy, who had come into her life when she had needed him the most. Finn, with his brown eyes and soft, long hair, crocked smile and smartass comments, pulling her out of the dark hole she had been in since her father had died a year earlier. Finn, with his caressing hands and soft lips, becoming her first, the one she fell head over heals for, heart opening like a flower to the sun. Finn, who had proven to be a two timing son of a bitch, who had broken her heart and left her worse for wear, more shattered than before she had met him. But she had picked up the pieces and moved on. New school. New friends. New Clarke.

She gets up, goes to the bathroom for a really quick shower, puts on some sweats and tosses her hair up in a bun. She contemplates going down to the cafeteria to get some breakfast when there’s a knock on the door and then Octavia enters with Bellamy in tow.

”Morning princess!” he smirks, looking insolently good and laid back and god damn, that hair is going to be the death of her.

”Clarke, Bell is taking us out for breakfast, are you ready to go?”

”Well, not really, as you can see...”, Clarke suddenly very aware of her scruffy exterior.

”Well, I’m going to hit the shower and change my clothes so you’ve got about ten minutes”, Octavia says. ”Bell, go wait downstairs, this is a no guys zone for the following ten minutes, ok?”

Bellamy shakes his head.

”No way I’m going down there with all the freshman girls swirling around. I will have to fend them off, and I’m not up for that this early”, he says, winking at Clarke.

Octavia just glares at him, then turns to Clarke.

”You can change in the bathroom with me if you want, since the shithead ain’t leaving”, she says, as she heads for the bathroom.

Something with the way Bellamy smirks at that awakens the devil within. She just shakes her head, gesturing for Octavia to get going.

”Go on. I can handle this dumbass”, she says, opening her wardrobe, pulling out her jeans. She steps out of her sweats, pulling on her jeans, glancing at Bellamy seated at Octavias bed as she does so. He is checking out her legs, she can tell, and he licks his lips doing so. Interesting.

Clarke puts some mascara on and brushes her hair, deciding that will do. When she’s done, she turns around to see Bellamy leaning back on his elbows, looking at her.

”What?” she says, looking at him questioning.

”Oh, nothing. Just enjoying the view.” he replies, locking eyes with her, his gaze intense.

Clarke doesn’t know how to respond. Instantly, she regrets her bravado earlier. Why did she have to challenge him? No way is she going to start something with this guy. He might be the hottest guy ever but he is also a cocky smartass and, more importantly, her room mates brother, there’s no way she is jeopardizing their friendship for a short termed fling. She feels a slight blush starting to creep up her cheeks, but luckily she is saved as Octavia is reemerging from the bathroom.

”Let’s go! I’m starving!” Octavia says, heading for the door, grabbing her purse on the way. Clarke quickly follows, feeling Bellamy right behind her as they go. Oh god, she really needs to get this under control, and fast.

They go to a coffee shop not to far away from campus, and it turns out it’s where Bellamy works. It’s a really nice place, warm and cozy and familiarly. 

”Blake! You’re alive! That’s good since Jessica just called in sick. Can you cover for her?”

The guy behind the counter puts his hands together in a prayer, looking at Bellamy with begging eyes.

”Miller, man... really? That will make ten hours today. Plus five at the bar tonight...” Bellamy looks tired just thinking about it.

”I know, I know but I’ve got no one else! I’ll pay you double, ok?”

Bellamy sighs. ”Yeah, ok. But you’ll owe me!”

”Thanks Blake, you’re the best.” He turns to Clarke and Octavia. ”Hi O. Thanks for last night. And this”, he looks at Clarke, ”must be the friend I never got to meet because someone decided to be, and I quote, ’a major asshole extra ordinarie’, right?”

Clarke laughs at that, smiling towards Miller.

”Shut up, Miller”, Bellamy growls as he gets behind the counter, grabbing an apron. ”What would you like, princess?” he says, then turning to Miller. ”On the house, by the way.”

”Wouldn’t have it any other way, man” Miller says, slapping him on the shoulder as he passes behind him.

It becomes a nice morning. Octavia and Clarke decides on coffee and sandwiches. Clarke enjoys sitting there, listening to Bellamy and Miller’s friendly bantering, Octavia partaking whenever she feels Bellamy needs to be taken down a notch or two. It’s nice. It feels like she actually belongs, like she is accepted and welcome. And she realises, she is feeling content and happy for the first time in a really long time. So Clarke just sits there, basking in that feeling, until Octavia suddenly jumps up.

”Crap! It’s almost eleven! I’ve got to go to work! Clarke, are you coming with?”

Clarke finds she doesn’t want to, but she has no reason or excuse to stay, so she gets up from her stool.

”Yeah, I need to go too. I’ve got some sketches I need to finish for my art class. Thanks for breakfast, guys.”

”You’re welcome, Clarke! Don’t be a stranger now? I promise, I’ll make this douche behave”, Miller says, swatting at Bellamy’s head.

”Hey man!” Bellamy exclaims, turning to Clarke. ”See you around, princess. Bye O. Talk to you soon, ok?”

When they leave, Clarke steals a glance through the window, only to see Bellamy watching her, and when he sees her looking a wide grin spreads over his face as he leans against the counter, looking all cool and sexy and gorgeous and then he winks at her again and Clarke knows she’s in so much trouble.

•

The weeks that passes goes by really quickly, as both Octavia and Clarke is really busy with classes and examns. It seems they hardly ever see each other as their schedules are so different, but also because Octavia has met someone. His name is Lincoln, he is almost ten years older than her, works at a gym where Octavia is a member and is apparantly ”like this cuddly teddybear with a body made for sex”. Also, he is someone Octavia keeps a secret from her brother who would ”totally flip and get all protective and territorial and shit”, something Clarke can actually imagine. 

This all means they don’t get around to visit Bellamy and Miller at the coffee shop, something Clarke secretly regrets, but can’t really do anything about, since it would feel to obvious swinging by herself, not to mention she has promised herself to stay away from the temptation that is Bellamy.

One morning, as Clarke gets to the art studio at campus to work on her portatit studies, she realises her favourite charcoal pen is missing. She looks everywhere for it, but it’s just not there. She guesses someone must have mistaken it for theirs, but she can’t sit around, hoping whomever took it shall return so she goes to the art supply store on campus to buy new ones. When she gets there, they’re all out, not expecting to get a delivery until early the following week. The clerk suggests she should try The Brush Store, located at Winchester Street. He gives her directions, and she decides to go check it out. When she gets there, she realises the shop is on the same street as the coffee shop, so after she’s bought her stuff, she can’t help herself. 

As she opens the door she instantly sees Bellamy behind the counter. He is wearing a tank top and slacks, hair a bit longer and even messier, curling at his neck and he is even better looking than she remembered. Also, he is clearly flirting with a petite blond girl sitting at the counter, and Clarke is almost certain it is one of the girls from the party.

Clarke regrets going in, but she can’t risk trying to sneak out because there’s a good chance he would spot her and then he will think she came for him (which she kind of did, but anyway) so she sits down at a table by the door, picking up her phone, pretending to text someone as she tries to figure out how to go about this, when Miller saves her, showing up behind the counter.

”Clarke! Long time, no see! What can I get you?”

Bellamy turns towards her then, face lightning up.

”Princess!” he calls. ”Why are you sitting over there? Come here, I want to know everything about my sister. Tell me, is it to early to file a missing person report?”

The blond girl looks a little disappointed, but takes her coffee to go, waves at Miller and Bellamy, and with a ”later” she disappears out of the store.

Clarke ends up spending her afternoon at the counter, drinking coffee, laughing and talking to Bellamy and Miller. She finds she really enjoys their company. Bellamy, once you get to know him, seems like a really decent guy, and the more Clarke talks to him, the more she sees the guy Octavia has described. He is warm and kindhearted, fair and honest, with a great sense of humour. 

When Bellamy gets off his shift, he walks her back to campus. When they get there, Clarke feels a little disappointed, not wanting their day to end.

”Hey, know what? We’re having a barbeque down at the beach tonight. Want to come? Miller’s going to be there, too, so you’ll have someone besides me to hang with, should my company not be entertaining or polished enough”, he says, bumping her arm with his fist. ”Bring O too, or I will think you’ve killed her off and hid her body in your closet.” 

”Ok, where and when, then? And I hardly see O either, so I can’t vouch for her, but I’ll check the closet, promise.”

He snorts, then.

”By the pier. Know where it is? Be there around 7 pm? Oh, and princess, bring wine this time?” he winks at her, as he turns around, starting to walk away. She smirks and waves back at him.

”Bet your ass I will. Someone has to bring some class and taste into your sorry existance!”

He doesn’t turn around, just waves his hand over his head, as he yells ”whatever, Griffin!” but she can tell by the sound of his voice he is smiling.


	3. Chapter 3

When Clarke gets back to her dorm, Octavia is actually there, and when Clarke tells her about the barbeque, she decides to join. Being Octavia, she can’t help but tease Clarke for going to the coffee shop.

”You know Miller’s gay, right? So I guess that means you went to see my brother, which is kind of weird since I was certain you didn’t like him much?” she says, smiling knowingly.

”Once again, Octavia, I was in the neighbourhood, I needed to grab lunch and the place was there so I went in. Also, why do you assume I went there to pick someone up? Like if I was, do you really think I would pick your brother out of all guys?”

She doesn’t honestly know who she is trying to convince more, Octavia or herself.

”What do you mean by that? Isn’t Bellamy good enough for you, or what?” Octavia stares at Clarke, pretending to be offended.

”Octavia, come on, you know what I mean! Besides, maybe me and Bellamy didn’t get off to a great start, but it’s in the past now. He’s kind of nice, actually. You don’t mind that I dropped by, did you?”

Octavia snorts then.

”No, silly! I’m just messing with you. It’s great if you get along. Come on, let’s change and get ready, we’ve got a party to go to!”

•

When they get to the beach, they are late. It’s almost 8.30 pm, since Octavia insisted on dropping by the keg party to see Jasper and Monty, and once there, Jasper offered drinks and now they are all a little tipsy and Jasper, who decided a beach barbeque was more his scene and dragged Monty along, is singing christmas carols, ’just because he can!’

Clarke searches for Bellamy and finds him by the fire, seated in the sand with the same blond girl by his side as before. If Octavia hadn’t told her her brother was single, she would have thought the girl was his girlfriend. The way she’s leaning in, her arm tucked in under his, the way she looks up at him, how she rests her head against his shoulder. Yeah. They clearly are intimate with each other.

Clarke feels a little sting of jealousy, not because she is interested in Bellamy, because she is not, it’s just that she kind of likes him and she had a good time with him today, and she had hoped they should just pick up where they left off, which is kind of silly, she knows, because they hardly know each other and besides, she’s really late. For all he knew she wasn’t coming. But no matter what, she really doesn’t want to compete to get his attention. Although she really, really doesn’t want to get involved with him, or anyone, but especially not him. And, well, she just doesn’t know. She just admits that yeah, she feels a little self concious and a little jealous.

So, as Octavia and Jasper and Monty heads for the fire, Clarke goes down to the water, needing a moment to herself, collecting her thoughts and getting a grip on those ridiculous emotions that suddenly overflows her. She sits down in the sand, looking out over the sea, just feeling the light breeze against her skin, listening to the soft lapping of the waves.

”Hi princess!”

She feels a tug of happiness inside, as Bellamy drops down in the sand next to her. She turns to look at him, and she can’t help a smile spreading over her face as she watches him grinning up at her. 

He looks gorgeous, wearing a white sweather and faded blue jeans, so worn they seem to be part of his body. He is barefoot which suddenly feels very intimate, and Clarke has to suppress an urge to reach out and touch him. His hair is tousled and some strands are falling in his eyes, and his face, his beautiful face with those lovely freckles and that soft mouth and...

”Bellamy, are you coming or what? The food is ready now!”

Clarke is brought back to reality as the blonde girl, clearly annoyed, is coming up next to them.

”Relax, Bree. I’m coming when I want, ok? There’s enough meat for everyone, but if you’re that hungry, go. Murphy will provide.”

Bree inhales sharply at that, and Clarke gets there’s more to that statement than what she was able to pick up.

Clarke feels like she’s having some serious emontional whiplash. The joy of spending the afternoon with Bellamy was followed by more joy of him inviting her to the beach, and then some nervousness waiting for it to be time to go. Then, the anticipation building while going here, replaced by the disappointment of finding Bellamy with Bree. Then joy again, when he came to sit down beside her and now once again disappointment, or rather a harsh reality check, realising that Bellamy, being young and hot and single obviously has got girls he is sleeping with and that Clarke, sitting there feeling all romantic and gooey eyed, just got confronted with that reality. 

”You’re such an ass, Bellamy!” Bree snaps, then turning around and heading back towards the fire.

”Yup”, Bellamy says, ”that seems to be the general consensus. So, princess, hungry?”

”Not really, but let’s go anyway. Octavia’s got the wine. I guess I could use some of that”, she says, standing up, not waiting for him to follow.

Bellamy runs to catch up with her, but she crosses her arms over her chest and walks with her head down, offstandish, refusing to aknowledge him. She is feeling incredibly stupid and dumb and angry with herself. She had promised herself not to do this again. Not to let her emotions run amok. Not to get involved. She knows she’s better off without it. She knows it, god damnit! And should she ever decide to get involved again, she sure is going to pick wisely, not just fall for some player or random hot guy.

Bellamy seizes her arm, then. ”Clarke, what just happened?” he asks, and that sincere, serious tone is back in his voice.

”Nothing”, she says. ”I just remembered something. I... I don’t want to talk about it, ok?”

She shakes him off, spotting Octavia and Jasper and Monty sitting together on a log near the fire. She goes over.

”Octavia, where’s that wine I brought?”

Octavia looks up.

”There you are! I was worried Bellamy had drowned you or something”, she laughs.

”Hillarious, Octavia”, Bellamy growls behind her. ”You should quit college and try the local stand up scene instead. Would be cheaper for sure!”

”Asshole!” Octavia yells, but with warmth and humour in her voice.

”Yup. It’s been said.” Bellamy mutters, flopping down in the sand, stretching out, his arms behind his head. Clarke is indecisive for a moment, until she gives in and sits down besides him in the sand. Octavia opens the bottle and pours wine into some cheap, plastic wine glasses they brought, and then Murphy brings them food and as they eat and drink some of the relaxed atmosphere from before returns, partly because it’s almost impossible to not be smittened by Jasper’s joy of life.

One of Bellamy’s friends, Clarke thinks his name’ is Atom, has brought his guitarr and he has got a lovely voice, and the evening is warm and Bellamy is right beside her and she is a little drunk and feels that pull again, and it drives her up the wall, but she can’t act on it because it just all wrong. He is all wrong. She is all wrong. They. Are. Wrong. Yet it takes all her willpower not to reach out and card her fingers through his hair. Thats when she feels his hand closing over hers. She inhales, turning to see him laying there in the sand, looking at her with a soft, open expression on his face, a small smile playing on his lips.

Just then, Octavia spots Lincoln, coming towards them. She jumps up, full of joy, running to meet him, pulling him in for a kiss. Bellamy releases Clarke’s hand and sits up with a guarded expression on his face. 

”Who’s that?” he asks Clarke, voice low and all tense.

Clarke hesitates before she replies.

”That would be Lincoln, Octavia’s... boyfriend.”

She hears him take a deep breath, before getting up, looking like he wants to kill someone. Octavia and Lincoln reaches them then. 

”Bell, this is my boyfriend, Lincoln. And Linc, this is my brother, Bellamy.”

Lincoln and Bellamy shake hands, Bellamy clenching his jaw, giving Octavia an angry glare. 

”Nice to finally meet you, Bellamy. Octavia has told me so much about you”, Lincoln says.

”Yeah? Well, can’t say the same. In fact, didn’t even know you existed.” He turns to Octavia. ”Way to spring this upon me, O. What a vote of confidence, really.”

Octavia turns angry and defensive then, just about to tell Bellamy off when they are interrupted.

”Bellamy, could I talk to you for a moment?!”

A tall, brownhaired girl is standing in front of them, staring angrily at Bellamy.

”What, Roma? This is not the best time!” Bellamy says. The sarcastic, arrogant voice is back, so is the facial expression that goes with it. 

”In private, thank you”, the girl says, glaring back at Bellamy, who rolls his eyes, looking like he is about to burst.

”For the love of...” He turns to Octavia again. ”I’ve got to deal with this but don’t you think you’re off the hook!” 

He then follows the girl until they reach the shoreline. Roma starts gesturing then, pointing at Bellamy, clearly upset. Bellamy throws his hands in the air, looking annoyed. He then folds his arms in front of him, standing there as Roma keeps getting more upset. Only bits and pieces reaches them. ”Bree”, ”...using her”, ”...knew she liked you!” and ”...flaunting your new...” is what they can hear. 

Clarke’s suddenly had enough. 

”I’m getting a bit cold and there seems to be a little to much drama going on. What do you say we head back to campus?” she says.

”Good idea”, Octavia says. ”Let’s go and leave Bell to clear out his own stupid mess”, she snorts. 

It’s clear she hasn’t noticed the tension between Clarke and Bellamy and Clarke is really thankful for that. So they say good night to the others, asking Miller to tell Bellamy they left, and then they go. They’ve made it half way to campus when Octavia’s phone rings. It’s Bellamy. 

”Hi Bell! Yeah, we left. Why? Because we were getting cold and also didn’t need your lectures or your sexlife drama. What? Oh, come on! Do you take me for a fool, Bell?! Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don’t care, you can do whomever you want, just don’t force me to witness the fucking drama, ok? What? No, I don’t need your fucking permission to date, ok? Yes, he’s older than me. I don’t give a fuck what you say! Yeah, that’s right! What? You want to speak to Clarke? What the fuck for? Ok, ok, calm down...”

Octavia hands her the phone.

”The Drama King wants to speak to you.”

Clarke takes the phone and slows down a bit, falling behind.

”Yeah, it’s Clarke.”

”Clarke? Ok, I’m so sorry, ok? It got a little weird back there. It’s just, Bree doesn’t...”

Clarke interrupts him.

”I really don’t need to know, Bellamy!”

He falls quiet then.

”Ok. Can I ask you a favour, though?”

”What?”

”Could you come over to my place tomorrow morning? I would like to talk you?”

”About what?” Her heart is pounding in her chest.

He is quiet for a long time.

”Can you just come over? Please?”

She knows she should say no. She knows she shouldn’t get involved. But he sounds so sad and she can’t deal with another fight right now, so she gives in.

”Yeah, ok. I’ll be there.”


	4. Chapter 4

The following morning, Clarke’s a nervous wreck. She blames the alcohol for being dumb enough to agree going over to see Bellamy. She seriously considers not going, but that would likely result in her and Bellamy going back to being at each others throats, and she’s got the be honest with herself; she really doesn’t want that.

Luckily, Octavia decided to stay at Lincoln’s the night before, so she has the room to herself. She rummages through her wardrobe for something to wear, something she feels confidant in, but still casual. She finally decides upon a pair of khaki shorts, a white tank top and a pink, oversized linnen shirt. She puts her hair up in a sloppy ponytail and then she’s off.

The closer she gets to Bellamy’s apartment, the more nervous she gets. Why did she agree to this? She is so stupid! She really doesn’t want this, is so not ready for anything even in the ballpark of a relationship. And especially not with Bellamy, and for really good reasons! But from what she’s seen of him so far, he’s not really into that either. It’s clear he has had a thing with Bree, and probably Roma as well, and if she stick around long enough, god knows how many more bed friends will turn up. He’s young, single and playing the field. So nothing will happen here. She just has to keep her cool and not let him get to her. No matter how cute or charming or hot he is.

She stops outside his building, taking a couple of deep breaths before she pushes the intercom. It buzzes almost immediately, letting her in. She slowly walks up the stairs, remembering the last time she was here, and how angry he had made her and how strange it is to be back, feeling so different about him. It’s like the house is different too, somehow.

He’s standing in the doorway, waiting for her as she ascends up the stairs. He is wearing the same jeans as the night before, but nothing else. If she thought he was gorgeous before, it’s nothing compared to this. He is tan, toned and muscular, and his jeans are riding low on his hips, revealing his abs and v. Clarke stops on the top of the stairs, swallowing.

”Hi”, he says. ”I was just making breakfast, have you already eaten, or care to join me?”

”Do you have coffee?” she asks.

”Sure. Come in.”

He turns and walks towards the kitchen, and she follows, closing the door behind her.

”Black, right?” he calls.

”Yeah”, she answers, looking around. She didn’t have much time to check out the place last time she was here, with all the people and then she and Bellamy bumping heads. It’s not a big apartment, but it’s nicely planned with a great natural light. He’s got good taste too, she can tell, with soft, neutral colors and clean lines, accentuated with spots of red and black. She likes it.

”Nice place”, she says as she enters the kitchen. He is leaning against the countertop, sipping coffee. He nods towards a cup on the table, so she sits down, tasting hers.

”So” he says. ”Lincoln. How long has that been going on, huh?”

Clarke is flooded with relief. Of course! He wants to talk about Octavia. God, what’s wrong with her around him? Why is she being so silly! She almost lets out a giggle, that’s how relieved she feels.

”Oh, I’m not really sure, but around two months I would say.”

”And who is this guy? How did they meet? Surely not at campus, he looked like he’s over thirty. Unless he’s her teacher, in which case I will kill him.” Bellamy’s face darkens.

”Bellamy, I’m not sure I’m the one you should be talking to about this? Octavia wouldn’t...”

”Give me a break, Clarke! Who is he?!” Bellamy exclaims.

”He is her gym instructor.”

Bellamy sighs, rubbing his face in frustration. He pushes away from the counter, pulls out the chair opposites hers and slumps down.

”I don’t know how much Octavia has told you about our childhood?” he says.

”A little. You basically raised her, by yourself.”

He stares down at his coffee, suddenly looking so sad and vulnerable, her heart aches.

”Yeah, well. Our mom... she was an alcoholic? Lived a really shitty life, crappy jobs, lots of men. We don’t have the same dad, by the way.” 

He falls silent. She sits there, waiting, not wanting to push or probe.

”So, I used to wake up in the mornings, finding her unconscious on the sofa. So I fixed us breakfast and took Octavia to school. Basically, I did everything at home. Cleaned, cooked, did the laundry, grocery shopping. Made sure Octavia was fed and clean and that she did her homework. Mom was useless. She died when I was sixteen. Octavia was ten. Social services decided she could stay with me as long as I could provide for her, so I started working while our neighbour checked on Octavia. And that’s how it’s been since then. So I guess I’m a bit over protective. She’s more like my kid than my sister, you know?”

He looks up at her then, and he looks so disillusioned, she doesn’t know what to say. She realises what a priviliged, charmed life she’s had, growing up safe, with parents who loved and took care of her, and how she somehow always took it for granted.

”Bellamy...”

He holds up a hand, stopping her.

”I don’t need your pity, that’s not...” He stops, swallowing. ”Listen, it is what it is. I just wanted you to understand why I’m sometimes... why I have a bit of a hard time accepting that she’s grown up? I know she has the right to make her own decisions, I just don’t know how to let go? It’s like...” He sighs again. ”It’s like I don’t know how to be if I don’t take care of her. It’s all I ever done, you know?”

She nods, silently. 

”If it’s any help, I think Octavia is actually happy? Lincoln seems like a great guy and he really cares about her. And Octavia loves you, Bellamy. You’re her idol. You should have heard her, how she went on about you before I met you? I swear, I was checking for wings first time we met.”

Bellamy snorts at that, a crocked smile spreading on his face.

”Yeah, I took those impressions out of your head real fast, didn’t I?” he says, making a face.

”Sure did. Asshole.” she smiles.

He looks up at her then, grinning.

”Stuck up!”

”Smartass!”

”Snob!”

”Player!”

She bites her tongue, can’t believe she acctually said that. Bellamy just looks at her, tilting his head a bit, face closed, all the openess from before gone.

”Ah. So that’s where we’re going, is it? You think I’m a player, do you?”

”No, I didn’t... I was only teasing you... well. Are you?”

”A player? No. Definitely not.” He leans back, crossing his arms over his chest, looking at her with a stern face.

”Ok, I didn’t mean...”

He interrupts her.

”Do I have casual sex without wanting a relationship? Yes. Am I decieving girls, making them think I want more? No. I tell them straight up I’m only in it for sex. Take it or leave it.”

Clarke cringes inside. She deeply regrets asking, although she really wanted to know. And know she does and it makes her heart ache a little and she really doesn’t want to linger on why.

”I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have...”

Bellamy shrugs.

”It’s cool. You were wondering about Bree? Yeah, I’ve slept with her a couple of times. She wants it to be more. I don’t. End of story. Oh, and yeah, I’ve slept with Roma too, in case you were wondering. She’s cool though, except she’s friends with Bree, so last night she was a bit pissed off on behalf of her.”

”Ok. You know what, can you just shut up now?” Clarke says, throwing her hands up in an averted gesture.

”Sorry princess, but you’re the one who brought it up. Why is that, again?” he asks.

She feels some of the old resentment towards him come back.

”I don’t know, Bellamy? Curiosity? I forgot that’s what killed the cat, though. Just in this case, it wasn’t the cat that just died” she adds, more to herself.

”What? You don’t like me no more, that’s it? Can’t handle the truth, princess? Let me guess, you’ve had two boyfriends, the first was your high school prom date, and he was also your first kiss, and the other was the one who took your virgintity, and you still have a thing for him, am I right?”

She stares at him then. She can’t believe she actually liked him, even fantasised about sleeping with him, being with him. He is just the cocky asshole she first thought he was. But she can’t take him thinking she’s some little girl not knowing anything about the world or love or about how others can make you feel like shit.

”No, you piece of shit, you’re not! My dad died when I was sixteen and I spent the year after being so depressed I thought I was never going to be happy again and then, when things were at their darkest, I met this guy. I’m sure you know the type? Tall, dark, handsome? Charming and fun, kind of a smartass but cute? Turns out he wasn’t any of those things. He had another girlfriend he forgot to tell me about so he kind of fucked me over and left me to pick up the pieces. So no, I don’t do relationships either, because from what I’ve seen, men suck! Oh, and you? Not improving the picture!”

She stands up then, pushing back the chair and turns to leave. Bellamy catches her arm though, stopping her.

”Clarke, I’m sorry. I’m such an asshole. I know.”

She tries to pull her arm free, pushing at him, but he tugs her in, pulling her close, and suddenly they are hugging and she feels his hands moving up her sides and all of a sudden they are cupping her face, and he looks at her in that open, sensitive way that she can’t help but love and then he’s closing the gap between them and his mouth is on hers and he is kissing her and she hears someone moan and realises it’s her, and she cards her fingers through his hair, his soft, beautiful hair, and then he is pushing her up against the wall and that’s when she is snapped out of her daze.

She pushes him away.

”No Bellamy. I can’t. I’m sorry, but no. Not now. Not with you. Octavia... it’s just. No. I can’t. I should leave. Yes. I’m leaving.”

He looks at her, a little flushed, hair ruffled.

”Clarke, come on...”

”No. Really. Thanks for the coffee. And the chat. Or at least, most of it.”

She is trying to lighten the mood, but he doesn’t bite. He just stands there, scratching his head, looking a little sad and embarressed and confused, and she doesn’t know what to do with that or with them, so she just grabs her purse and heads for the door.

”Bye Bellamy. I guess I’ll see you around?”

He looks back at her, face unreadable.

”Yeah, princess. I guess you will.”


	5. Chapter 5

When Clarke gets home from Bellamy, Octavia is back. She’s on the phone, and by the sound of it, it’s Gaia, Octavia’s childhood friend. From what Clarke overhears, Octavia has been telling her about Bellamy meeting Lincoln, and it seems Gaia has some understanding for Bellamy’s reaction, since Octavia sounds defensive and irritated. Clarke has only met Gaia once, but she liked her, mostly because she has integrity and is not afraid to stand up for her opinions, how unpopular they might be.

”Yeah, ok, so I could have told him, I agree, but would it kill him to be nice for once? No, he’s not, Gaia! Remember what I told you about him meeting Clarke? He was an ass! He’s always an ass, I always have to defend him and do damage control! I’m sick of it!”

Octavia waves at Clarke, mouthing ’Gaia’, and Clarke nods.

”Yeah. Yeah, I know. He loves me. But I’m a grown up now, Gaia! He needs to let me make my own mistakes and start taking care of his own mess instead. I swear, that guy and his girls. He sure knows how to pick them.”

Clarke suddenly can’t stand listening another second. She gestures towards the bathroom and Octavia nods, continuing. 

”Can you believe Roma comes up and drags him away to have some sort of drama fit at...”

Clarke closes the door to the bathroom, cutting off the conversation. She locks the door and slides down, until she is seated against the door. She closes her eyes and lets her thoughts wander. 

Freckles. Dark curls. Warm eyes. Hard abs. Hands wandering. Soft lips.

She opens her eyes, suddenly short of breath. God, this is torture! If it was bad before, now it’s insane. She has never wanted someone this much in her entire life! It’s like she’s on fire. To know what he tastes like, how hot his skin is, how soft his curls feels under her fingers, his hands cupping her face and oh, those soft, exploring lips and his tongue darting out, licking...

She shakes her head, trying to erase the memories, to wipe out the images playing in her mind. She decides to take a shower, to cool down, but when she steps into the spray and feels the water pouring down her skin, she can’t help herself. Her fingers find their way down her body, to where all her longing seems to have gathered, and she closes her eyes, letting her imagination take her back to his kitchen, how he felt pushing up against her, his hard body, the taste of him, his smell, her hands tangled up in his curls as his tongue swirled around hers. In moments Clarke is shaking with pleasure, moaning quietly against the shower wall.

She stays there for sometime after, trying to wrap her head around her mixed emotions of grief, shame and excitement. She stays there, trying to push away the thoughts of Finn, and the fact that she lets him continue to ruin her. But mostly, she stays there to try to gather herself enough to face Octavia. She is pulled out of her frozen state as Octavia bangs on the door to let her know she’s leaving to see Lincoln, at the same time blaming Clarke for using up all the hot water. 

•

The following month, Clarke is thankful being so busy with her classes, because that means not seeing Octavia that much. Not that she normally doesn’t want to see Octavia, it’s just so weird right now, her trying to put Bellamy out of her mind, and Octavia constantly bringing him up. She tries to get some distance, getting back to normal routines. She flirts a little, not out of real interest, just in an atempt of moving on. There’s a really cute guy in her art class that always blushes when she finds him looking, and the girl who works in the cafeteria, Niylah, always lightens up when Clarke comes by. 

She bumps into Lexa, the girl she had a brief fling with her freshman year (it ended rather nonspectacular, partly because Clarke still had hang ups about Finn and Lexa was on a rebound from her break up with Costia, partly because they were to different.) They are still kind of friends though, even had an occasional hook up or two, but Clarke knows they are over. Still, when Lexa asks if Clarke wants to go to the movies, she agrees. They have a nice evening, but when they get back to campus and Lexa tries to take Clarke’s hand, she swiftly avoids it, pretending to stiffle a yawn, saying she’s really tired. Lexa takes the hint, and they say good night with empty promises to do something again, soon, but they both know they won’t. So, the moving on thing? Not really working, no.

The following thursday, Raven calls. Raven, Finn’s other girlfriend, who when she found out about Finn being unfaithful eighteen months prior had looked up Clarke’s phone number, called and introduced herself.

”Hi. I’m Finn Collins girlfriend, Raven Reyes. I guess you and I have some things to talk about?”

They had met up at a coffee shop and Raven had listened to what Clarke had to say about Finn and their relationship, and instead of going off on Clarke, Raven had simply ended things with Finn and had called Clarke up a week later, ”because there’s no reason why you and I can’t be friends”. In Clarke’s book, that makes Raven the classiest person she knows.

”Hi Raven! How are you!” Clarke says, picking up.

”Clarke! Hi! Wow, it’s been to long. I miss you! How have you been?”

Clarke doesn’t know what to say to that. She wants to tell Raven about Bellamy, but she just can’t do it over the phone, for some reason. It’s to much, somehow, she needs to do it in person.

”Oh god, where to begin. It’s been a bit crazy. I really need to see you?”

”Yeah, me too! That’s why I’m calling. Are you free tomorrow? Care to meet me at Monroe’s? Grab something to eat, catch up, get wasted?” 

Clarke can actually hear Raven’s mischievous grin through the phone.

”Yes! Let’s do that. What time do we meet up?”

•

Monroe’s is a really popular bar downtown, cool and modern with an awesome bartender who makes the best drinks, but still not too trendy, like some bars Clarke hates, that only attracts a certain set of people. She and Raven are in luck, getting one of the best tables in the back with a good view of the place but private enough to allow conversation.

”Ok. I feel like I’m going to burst, I just got to tell you. I’ve met someone!” Raven blurts.

Clarke cracks a wide grin at that.

”Really? That’s so great, Raven! I’m so happy for you. Who is he?”

Raven laughs and makes a face, shaking her head.

”His name is Wick. He’s an engineer. We met during my internship at 4 Frontiers Corp? Oh, where do I start with this guy? He is just so infuriating at times? He always makes bad jokes, can never be serious, a real goofball. But he is so smart and funny, you know? He makes me laugh. Also drives me crazy? Half the time it’s a banter, the other half we bicker at each other. It sounds dumb, I hear that, but it works, you know? I guess he makes me... happy?” 

Raven looks almost shy, saying that, which makes Clarke hate Finn a little bit more.

”No one deserves to be happy more than you, Raven, and I’m happy for you.”

Raven beams then.

”Well, yeah. It’s great. It’s... different, you know? But in a good way?”

Raven doesn’t have to say Finn’s name, Clarke still gets that Raven ment it’s different than what she had with Finn. 

”Yeah, I get what you mean.” Clarke smiles.

Raven nods. ”But enough about me! What’s going on with you, Clarke?”

”Ugh! I don’t know where to begin. I might have kind of accidently kissed Octavia’s brother?” Clarke hides her face in her hands, peaking up at Raven.

”Noooo! You didn’t?! Nooo, you sly you!” Raven yells, laughing. ”Ok, don’t leave me hanging, I need details. How did this happen?”

Clarke tells her then, about how they met, their fallout, about the breakfast and the lunch and then finally about going over to see him. She hesitates, then instinctivly leaves out most of what happened at the beach, except for the Lincoln part and the hand touching, and she doesn’t say anything about the personal things Bellamy trusted her with during their conversation at his place. This means she is leaving out the things Raven would need to get the full picture, but she just can’t bring herself to reveal it. It would mean putting Bellamy in a bad light (the girls, the mean things he said to her) but also it would mean bring up Finn, something they just don’t do. So Raven naturally thinks this is just a little flirt with no other complications except the fact that Bellamy is Octavia’s brother.

”Oh my god! Well, do you like him? Is he hot? Was he a good kisser? Details, girl, it’s all in the details!”

Both Clarke and Raven starts to giggle then, and soon they are on to other subjects, talking and laughing and ordering more drinks and before they know it, both are a little bit drunk, giddy and carefree. That’s when Finn shows up.

First, Clarke thinks he is just a figment of her imagination, because no way could it be that he shows up at the same bar at the same night she and Raven decides to go there. But no, it’s really him. Clarke leans over at Raven and hisses ”Finn!”

Raven stiffens, then turns around to see Finn at the bar, and he has just spotted them. He looks a little sheepish, before he grabs his beer and approaches them.

”Oh god...” Raven sighs, looking annoyed.

”Hi Raven, Clarke”, Finn says. ”How have you been? Didn’t expect to find you here.” He doesn’t have to say ’together’, it hangs there.

”Yeah, well, neither did we. Expect to see you, that is.” Raven says, coldly. Clarke’s heart is hammering. Finn looks at her then, searching as she is avoiding his eyes.

”So, Clarke. I just wondered if I could talk to you for a moment?”

”No, Finn, you can’t!” Raven snaps. ”You gave up that right when you were two timing us, remember?” She looks furious.

Finn turns to Raven.

”You know we were on a break? You were off to engineering school and I didn’t know...” 

Raven cuts him off.

”Hell no! Don’t even try! We were not on a break. We just didn’t see each other for five months. To be on a break you actually have to tell the other person about said break, dumbass, not just decide when it’s convenient for you!”

Finn looks away, exasperated, like he wishes him not looking at her would make Raven disappear. When he turns to Clarke again, it’s like Raven’s not even there.

”I really need to talk to you, ok? Please? I still have feelings for you...”

”Finn, why don’t you just leave?” Clarke says, as Raven stands up, shoving at Finn.

”You piece of shit, get the fuck away from us!” she yells.

Finn staggers a bit, then find his bearings again.

”Cool down, Raven! I just want to talk to her!” he snaps, grabbing Clarke’s wrist. ”Please?”

”Hi princess! Didn’t expect to find you slumming in these neck of the woods”, someone says and there’s Bellamy, standing besides Finn with a firm grip on his shoulder. ”I would let go of her hand if I were you, buddy. I hear she’s got a fierce left hook.” he says. The words are humorous and friendly, but there is an underlying threat in his voice. 

Clarke spots Miller behind him and Atom and Murphy is saluting her from the bar. Finn takes one look at Bellamy and Miller, then turns to Clarke with a sad look in his eyes.

”I’m sorry. For everything. Ok?” 

He shoots Raven a long look, glares at Bellamy as he passes him and then he is gone.

”Hope I made the right call, princess?” Bellamy says. ”Looked a bit messy from where I was standing?” He has a cautious look on his face.

”Hell yes! Best call ever!” Raven says. ”I’m Raven, by the way, and you are...?”

”Bellamy. Brother to Octavia, Clarke’s room mate?” Bellamy says, extending his hand.

Raven’s face cracks up at that.

”Really now? Well, nice to meet you, Octavia’s brother.”

Bellamy smiles too, turning to Clarke.

”Well, I’ll get back to my...”

”No way!”, Raven interrupts. ”Bring your friends, you’re sitting with us. I’ll go fetch us some drinks from the bar. I feel the need for booze!”

Clarke finds herself pressed between Raven and Bellamy, drinking and laughing and forgetting everything but the present. Raven soon gets into a sarcastic bickering fest with Murphy, which they both seem to enjoy immensly, and Miller and Atom is engaged in a heated debate about whether Star Wars or Star Trek is more iconic. That leaves Clarke and Bellamy to themselves. She can feel his thigh pressed up against hers and her entire body feels electrified. It hums. She is so keenly aware of his nearness, she feels she is about to burst. When he puts his hand on her naked knee, she almost jumps. 

”I’m so hot for you right now, princess, I can hardly contain myself” he whispers in her ear, and she’s just gone.

She turns around, grabs his face and kisses him. It’s hot and wet and messy and her head spins, if it’s from the alcohol or because of him, she’s not sure, maybee a little bit of both, but she moans into his mouth and lets her hand travel up his thigh, cupping his hardness through his jeans.

”I’m so wet, Bellamy.”

He sucks in his breath, then presses her hand down, pushing up against her. ”Fuck, you’re killing me!” he pants. ”Please, please, come home with me?”

She makes a decision then. Fuck it! She wants him. Screw cautiousness, screw good reasons not to, screw everything! So she just nods, and he stands up then, grabbing her hand and they leave, followed by cat calls and wolf whistles from their friends.

When they get to his apartment, it’s all frantic hands and messy kisses and clothes being ripped off and heated skin and moans and finally, finally they are in his bedroom and he takes her apart with his tongue and his fingers and he talks dirty to her through it all and it’s just right and hot and she screams as she comes, and then he’s on her and in her and he whispers in her ear, thrusting hard, hitting her just right, panting, swearing as she comes around him and then he goes still, grunting as he collapses on top of her and she thinks she cries a little.

She falls asleep cuddled up in his arms, spent and content and with the buzz from the alcohol still spinning her head.


	6. Chapter 6

When Clarke becomes aware of her surroundings, the first thing she notices is a warm body close to hers and some light snoring. She has no recollection of where she is and who she’s with. Panic flares in her chest. She whips her head around, but the moment she sees dark hair spilled over the pillow next to hers, all memories from last night hits her like a freight train.

Hands all over, grabbing, touching, finding all the right spots, knowing just how to caress, when to be rough and when to be gentle. His mouth, soft and warm, licking and biting and swirling and sucking, making her trash and jerk, setting her on fire. Him, panting, thrusting, moaning in her ear, whispering all kinds of dirty things as he makes her body tremble and hum. A surge goes through her, settling between her legs.

Oh my god! She had sex with Bellamy! The anxiety floods her entire system, as she lies there, hyperventilating. No! Nooo! Oh god, please nooo! She lies there, trying to still the panic inside, wishing she could go back to the night before and make a wiser decision. God, if there was a way to stop time so she didn’t need to face the after math! 

What is she going to do? How do you act, waking up after a one night stand? Sneek out? Act casual? Propose marriage? She mentally flogs herself for being so stupid, acting on a drunken impulse. She will never touch alcohol again, damnit! She becomes a moron everytime she does! You don’t sleep with your room mates brother! You just don’t!

He shifts besides her and she stiffens, hardly dares to breathe as her eyes darts to him. He is spread out, arm thrown above his head and his face is tilted towards her. His long eyelashes flutters a little, he’s probably dreaming. His mouth, oh so soft and pliant, is slighly open. This close, she can see all his freckles, and they truly are like a night sky full of stars. She lets her eyes sweap down over his neck and shoulders and chest and his skin looks so smooth and silky she has to brace herself from reaching out, touching him. He is so beautiful her heart does a double take and that’s when she realises, she’s in love with him.

Last night wasn’t just about lust and want. It was about him. Wanting him, wanting him to love her. The realisation hits her hard. Panic flares again. This is so much worse, all of a sudden. She knows he doesn’t want a relationship, she knows he is just about the sex, and normally, that would be fine but now, when she has just realised her own feelings, she can’t have him wake up and be all catual, not when she’s an emotional wreck. She just knows she would break and there’s no way she can let that happen. Not again. Not after Finn.

So she bolts. She slides from the bed, tip toes around the room, finding her bra and her panties and as she backs out of the room, there’s her dress, piled on the threshold. She quickly gets dressed, finds her shoes and her jacket and purse by the door and then she slips out, quietly closing the door behind her. She rushes down the stairs and is finally safe, outside. That’s when it dawns on her that she didn’t check her hair or her face before leaving. Luckily, she’s got a small mirror in her bag. She fingercombs her hair and pinches her cheeks a bit, then rubs away some mascara, smeared under her eyes. She also finds some gum, thank god. She looks ok, she should be able to sneek in at the dorm without to many raised eyebrows. Except for her eyes. They are huge and full of anxiety. Clarke knows Octavia is going to pick up on that, will know something is wrong the moment she sees her. So she can’t go home before she knows Octavia’s out, no matter how much she wants a shower, clean clothes and some hours of sleap in her own bed. Ok. Damage control first. She texts Raven.

Clarke: I slept at your place last night, if anybody asks. I can’t talk right now, but I’ll get back to you later.

Next, Octavia.

Clarke: Hi, I’m at Raven’s. Are you going to be home tonight, or are you seeing Linc?

Directly after sending it, her phone buzzes.

Raven: Uh oh. Don’t worry, secret safe with me. Call me.

The phone buzzes again.

Octavia: She’s alive! No, I’m seeing Linc’s friends tonight. Actually I’m heading over to his place right now. See you tomorrow.

Clarke lets out a sigh of relief. She can go home and be alone and dwell in her own misery. Just when she reaches the bus stop, her bus arrives. She climbs on, slumping in an empty seat, trying not to think about anything, willing herself to calm down.

That’s when her phone rings. It’s an unknown number. Instinctivly, she just knows it’s Bellamy. She doesn’t pick up. Shortly after her phone buzzes again. It’s her voicemail.

”Hi. Bellamy here.” His voice is hoarse, like he’s just woken up. ”So, sneaking out, huh? No note or anything? Hope I didn’t disappoint? It didn’t seem like it last night?” His voice is dropping, sounding intimate, knowing and self-assured. ”At least not judgling by the sounds you were making. Man, those sounds, can’t wait to hear them again...” he chuckles a little. 

She feels herself blushing as another surge of want goes through her, remembering how he made her whimper and moan and scream. 

”So, anyway, if you want something from me, now you’ve got my number. I’m all yours, princess!” 

The way he emphasizes the word want, she knows exactly what he means. And she also knows there’s is no way in hell this can happen again. She braces herself, then texts him.

Clarke: Last night was a really bad idea. I’m sorry. Could you do me a favour and not tell Octavia about this? Also, damage control with your friends? Again, sorry. /C

She sits and waits, expecting him to answer. He doesn’t.

•

Being in love with your room mates brother and having to conceal it is exhausting. Clarke spends her days trying to forget Bellamy, just to come home to Octavia, talking to him on the phone, or talking about him with someone else over the phone or wanting to talk to Clarke about him. And each time, Clarke’s heart skips a beat and she feels the same pang in her chest and she just misses him. She dreams about him at night, hot, sensual dreams, waking up sweaty and needy. She daydreams about him and he is in her fantasies every time she gets herself off. She feels a little bit guilty afterwords, but she can’t help herself.

Three weeks after her night with Bellamy, she comes home from the library, tired and hungry. She tosses her books on her bed and heads for the bathroom as she hears voices and the the door opens and Octavia walks in, followed by Bellamy.

”... and now he and his flatmate is throwing a party and he really wants you to come so you’re going, ok? Hi Clarke!”

Clarke freezes by the bathroom door, staring at Bellamy. He doesn’t acknowledge she’s there, in fact he totally ignores her, just leaning in the doorway, looking at Octavia.

”Can I bring Miller?” he asks.

”Yes you can. You can bring more friends, if you like, just let me know so I can tell Linc? Clarke, your going too!” She passes Clarke going into the bathroom. 

”I’m going to what, exactly?” she turns to the bathroom, looking at Octavia, who is going through the drawers, searching for something.

”Linc is having a party on saturday! You’re invited. You can bring Raven, if you want?”

”Yes, bring Raven. She seemed really cool, like someone I would like to get to know a little bit better.” Bellamy says behind her. There’s an innuendo in his voice.

Octavia looks up. ”When did you meet Raven?” She turns to Clarke. ”When did Bell meet Raven?”

”I bumped into her and the Princess at Monroe’s a couple of weeks ago”, Bellamy says. 

Clarke has her back to him but she just knows he is smirking. Asshole! Octavia looks at Clarke. 

”Really? Why didn’t you say something?” 

”I don’t know, I guess I forgot?”

”Ahh Princess! You hurt my feelings!” Bellamy says behind her. ”Here I was, thinking you would treasure that moment forever. You seemed so... happy... at the time?”

She hates him right then. Octavia straightens up, looking at her, then at Bellamy and back at Clarke.

”What’s going on?” she says.

Clarke panics. How far is Bellamy going to push this? Luckily, Bellamy seems to think it’s enough for now.

”Nothing, apparently”, he says. ”Don’t worry, O, I’m only teasing. You know me, Princess. I’m an ass, right?”

Clarke turns around, looking at him then. He’s smirking but there’s a hardness to his eyes. He’s looking at her in the same way he did the first night they met.

”Bullshit!” Octavia spits. ”I’m not an idiot, Bell. What did you do?”

Clarke can’t breathe. She can’t believe this is happening!

”I didn’t ’do’ anything, Octavia!” Bellamy barks. ”I was joking, ok? Can you get a grip and fetch whatever it was you needed so desperatly? I need to get going, I have a shift at the coffee house in an hour, ok?” 

He turns and walks out. Octavia stares after him, then looks at Clarke.

”Oh, I know something went down, and you’re going to tell me! But I really need to go. So, Linc’s party on saturday, don’t forget it, ok?” and she is out the door and Clarke is left, feeling like she just went through a tornado. 

She sits there for a while, thinking it all over and the more she does the angrier she gets. Where does he get off, putting her in the hot spot like that? Putting ideas in Octavia’s head, making remarks about Raven, being a general ass? Before she has time to second guess herself, she picks up the phone and texts him.

Clarke: What the fuck, Bellamy? Are you five? What was that all about?

A couple of minutes later, she gets a reply.

Bellamy: Cool down, will you. Can’t take a joke?

Clarke: A joke? Do you want Octavia to find out about us? Because I don’t, ok?

Bellamy: ’Us’? Didn’t know there was an ’us’ to find out about?

Clarke: Really funny. Haha. You know what I mean!

Bellamy: As I said, cool it. I’ll deal with O. So, are you going?

Clarke: Going where, exactly?

Bellamy: Lincoln’s party.

Clarke: I don’t know.

Bellamy: Well, I must so you might want to stay away.

Clarke: Are you asking me to stay away?!

Bellamy: What if I am?

Clarke: See you saturday, asshole!


	7. Chapter 7

When Clarke gets to the party, she can hear music and laughter and chatter as soon as she sets foot inside the entrance. Lincoln lives in an old industrial building, remade to contain three large studios, and from what Octavia has told her, the two other residents are guys around the same age, with a laid back attitude that includes not complaining about an occassional party being thrown. As someone left the door to the apartment ajar, Clarke figures this must be true. Carke slips in, a bit relieved to be able to do so without to much attention.

Lincoln’s place is large and open with giant windows providing a spectacular wiew of the skyline. Clarke’s eyes sweaps the place, looking for a curly, dark head, but finds none. So, Bellamy hasn’t arrived yet. Maybe he won’t even show up. She doesn’t know if she’s relieved or disappointed by this prospect. Perhaps a little bit of both. 

”Clarke!” Octavia yells, materializing from the kitchen area. ”So good to see you! Where’s Raven?”

”She couldn’t make it, she had plans with Wick, but I asked Wells instead, and he’s showing up in about an hour when he gets of work. Hope that’s ok?”

”Yes! Finally! I have wanted to meet him forever. But don’t you just stand there. Come in, grab some food, have a drink, mingle. I need to change the music though, because this, well it’s sad!”

She rushes off, yelling ”Nyko! Change the tunes!” to a guy with dreads looking up, smiling at her. Clarke figures this must be Lincoln’s flat mate.

Clarke goes to the kitchen to find a glass and pours herself some wine. The place is filled with people she doesn’t know and she feels a bit awkward, wishing Wells had been there, when she suddenly hears laughter by the door and there’s Murphy and Atom, with Bellamy behind them. Their eyes meet, and for a brief moment, Clarke could swear there’s a flash of joy in his features but the next second it’s gone, replaced with his usual smirk, and Clarke guesses she must have read it wrong. 

Lincoln, having spotted Bellamy, comes to greet them and Bellamy, though a bit reserved, exstends his hand. 

”Thanks for the invite. Cool place you’ve got.” Bellamy says. 

”Thanks, yeah, I really like it.” Lincoln says, a big smile spreading upon his face. ”But come in! There’s food over there and wine and beer and stronger stuff in the refrigerator. Help yourselves! Oh, and here’s Octavia.”

Octavia comes up and bumps shoulders with Bellamy, yelling ”Yo bro!”, laughing. 

”Yo bro? Really?” he says, raising an eyebrow. ”Trying to be street smart and badass, are we?”

Octavia just makes a face, then turns to Murphy, who chuckles at what Bellamy just said, sticking her tongue out towards him in a mocking manner which only renders her a snort and an eyeroll, as she pushes past him, giving Atom a brief kiss on the cheek, which seems to throw him a bit.

”So, you came!” Octavia beams at Bellamy. ”And you brought friends. Did you pay them?” Octavia looks innocently at him, tilting her head.

”No, all I had to do was threaten to kill them. You would be surprised how the threat of one’s imminent death brings out the better in people. Or at least, in these two. Well, I’m going to go check out Lincoln’s beer preferences. Why don’t you go annoy someone else?”

He glares lovingly at Octavia, gives Lincoln a sympathetic eyeroll that has a kind of bonding quality to it and then he passes right by Clarke without giving her a second glance. Octavia watches him go with a puzzled look on her face. 

”What was that about?” she says, moving to stand besides Clarke. ”Why did my brother totally ignore you? What is it you’re not telli...” Octavia suddenly inhales sharply, turning towards Clarke. Her eyes are wide. ”Clarke...” she says, warningly, turning to stare after Bellamy.

”What?!” Clarke says, desperatly.

Octavia gaze turns to her again. She looks serious and a little pissed all of a sudden. When she speaks, her voice is low and a little sharp.

”Please tell me you didn’t make out with Bell?”

Clarke just stares at her, doesn’t know how to respond.

”You totally did, didn’t you? And then you or he did or said something that hurt the other one’s feelings, and knowing my brother I’m guessing it was him, and now you are back to hating each other again? Claaarke! Why? Now it’s going to be so awkward everytime I mention him or he comes over or...”

”What is going to be awkward, sis?” Bellamy says, suddenly standing beside them, taking a sip from a bottle of beer, letting his eyes run over the rest of the room. His voice is light, but there’s a clench to his jaw and a tension in his stance that tells Clarke he probably heard most of the conversation. 

”Bellamy, can I talk to you? Alone?” Octavia gives him a knowing, irritated look. 

Bellamy shrugs.

”About what, O?” his tone’s still light, but it’s clearly a warning, signaling for Octavia not to push. Clarke feels like she’s going to throw up.

”I’m fairly certain you don’t want to talk about it here”, Octavia snarls, as she grabs his arm and heads for what must be the bedroom. Bellamy shoots Clarke a questioning, annoyed look, before he disappears out of sight.

Clarke is left an anxious wreck, not knowing what to do with herself, but Murphy and Atom saunters up to her then, and Murphy takes the opportunity to be Murphy, starting to deliver inappropriate comments about the other guests outfits or hairdos or general appearances, and it’s really mean and wicked but also really funny and mostly, Clarke has to admit, on point. She has just started to relax a little when the bedroom door opens and Bellamy comes out, locking eyes with her, as he heads straight for her. He looks mad as he passes her, face dark, grabbing her arm, forcing her to follow him outside the apartment. Once outside he lets go of her arm, pulling his hand through his hair in a frustrated gesture.

”What the fuck, Clarke?” he blurts.

”What?!” Clarke crosses her arms above her chest, all defensive.

”What? That’s your reply? I just got harassed by my sister for apparently ’luring you into making out with me’ and she seems to be under the illusion that afterwords I was acting shitty towards you, and now she wants me to appologize and, I quote, ’make things right again’! So what the fuck?!” He is looking furious by now.

”I never said that! I didn’t say anything, she jumped to conclusions!” Clarke’s snaps, starting to get angry too.

”Well, I don’t care how long she jumped, that’s not the point. You should have come clean!” he growls.

”Come clean? Really?” Clarke glares at him.

”Yes, really?” he says. ”If you can take me home and fuck me you should be able to own up to it, not letting me take the blame!” he says, looking stern and serious. ”And while we’re at it, if you want to have one night stands, be a fucking grown up about it? Who the fuck sneaks out like that, no note or anything? A really immature and uncool thing to do! Like I was good enough to use as a sex toy but then not even worth a... I don’t know, ’thank you’ or at least ’see you’? And another thing, I call you and you can’t even pick up, but instead texts me back? Seriously? ’What are you, five’?”

He clearly mimics the text she wrote him after he came by the dorm the other day. He looks defeated all of a sudden. For some reason, the look of disappointment is worse than his anger. It makes her feel mean and juvenile, sneaking out. But she camouflages it with more anger.

”Oh, give me a fucking break! Don’t tell me your feelings are hurt because I just left! Like I would buy that. You probably secretly rejoiced in not having to entertain me, not having to think up an excuse to make me leave. Your ego, on the other hand, now that might be a little hurt, I reckon. The great Bellamy Blake, being abandoned after sex! What an insult! It can’t be endured!” 

Clarke’s voice is thick with sarcasm. That’s when the entrance behind them opens.

”Hi Clarke!” Wells says. ”Sorry I’m late, but traffic was crazy.”

Clarke turns to Wells, trying to get a grip on herself and the chaos that is currently her brain. She’s in the middle of one of the most bizarre, yet important conversations of her life, when she is suddenly being brought back to reality and she doesn’t really know how to deal. So she just steps forward and gives him a hug.

”Wells! Hi! You made it!” 

When she releases him, he turns to Bellamy.

”Hi! I’m Wells, Clarke’s...”

Bellamy interrupts.

”Yeah, well I’m leaving. Word of advice, though? Don’t even try with this one, ok? No matter how good on the outside, the shit that comes with it? So not worth it!”

And with that he pushes past them, kicks open the entrance door and is gone. 

•

Clarke and Wells don’t stay long after that. Clarke goes back inside, fetches Lincoln, excuses herself after once again thanking him for inviting her. She doesn’t say good bye to Octavia, who is occupied dancing with Atom, but thinking she will do damage control after she has had some sleep and time to think through exactly what she should tell Octavia.

She and Wells end up at Well’s place, eating pizza while Clarke tells him about everything, including the fight he walked in on between her and Bellamy before. She dwells in self pity, has second thoughts about everything, regrets not staying that morning after she and Bellamy had sex, regrets going home with him in the first place. She even cries a little when she tells Wells about the sweet moment at the beach and how she managed to screw everything up after that. Wells, being Wells, doesn’t pick a side, doesn’t try to make Bellamy the villian nor make excuses for him. He just listens, gives some input and listens some more. When Clarke is exhausted and drained and have nothing more to say, Wells just puts on Blade Runner. Clarke falls asleep with her head in his knee, as he slowly combs her hair with his fingers.

Around four in the afternoon the day after, Clarke can muster up enough energy and courage to leave, heading home, ready to face Octavia. When she gets inside their room, her phone rings. She looks at the display and sees it’s Bellamy. She really wants to ignore it, can’t handle another fight, but she recalls his sarcastic comments about her being to childish to answer from the night before, and she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right, so she picks up.

”What, Bellamy?”

”Clarke!” His voice is all wrecked, hoarse and strained and muffled. ”Clarke, I don’t...” His voice breaks then and she hears him start to sob, and Clarke instantly and instinctivly knows something really bad has happened. She feels dread fill her entire being.

”Bellamy? What is it? What’s going on?” she says, voice high and panicked. 

He swallows then, until he finally can force the words out of his mouth.

”It’s O, Clarke! She had an accident with her motorcycle. They don’t know if she’s... they say she might... she’s in a coma, Clarke! My sister is in a coma!”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I need to put a warning here.
> 
> This story took a somewhat different route than I initially planned. I started it it out as a simple little story about misunderstandings and hurt feelings and the usual stuff that comes with a story like that, but as so often when I write, the story takes over and changes direction on it’s own. Also, I tend to seek out the dark places.
> 
> So, this is going to be really dark for a while, starting here. There will be glimpses of light as well, but still. So, check the updated tags and decide if you feel like continuing. I appologize if anyone feels cheated, but for me, this was the only way to go forward.

The nurse at the reception disk at The Arkadia Memorial Hospital might be young, but he is old school, Clarke can tell by one look at him. She thanks her lucky star for all the time she spent at the hospital as a kid, not because she was sick but because her mother works there. She knows her way around, and she knows how the system works. So when the nurse asks how she is related to the patient, she knows what she must say to be allowed in.

”I’m Bellamy Blake’s fiancé, Clarke Griffin. He’s expecting me.”

The nurse takes a closer look at her as she mentions her surname, and she knows he wonders if she might be related to Dr Griffin. That thought is what will make him less strict about letting her in, Clarke knows it. She pushes a little, though.

”Could you just tell me the room number, please? He hasn’t got any family, except me and his...sister.”

The nurse nods.

”Octavia Blake is in room 16. Just follow this corridor, turn right and it will be the first door to the left.”

”Thank you.”

When she gets to the room and pushes the door open, her heart breaks at the sight that meets her.

Octavia is in the bed, so very still and motionless and pale. Her beautiful face is bruised and one of her eyes swollen and blue. She has tubes in her veins and a steady, low beeping alerts Clarke to the heart monitor besides the bed that registrates Octavia’s heart rythm, blood pressure and oxygen levels. There’s also the weezing sound of a respirator, which indicates Octavia isn’t breathing by herself. 

Bellamy is sitting by the bed, back to her. He is holding Octavias hand, crouched over, his head hanging between his shoulders. He looks so helpless and defeated, like all his spirit has been drained out of him, left the same moment Octavia’s spirit did. Clarke’s heart aches for him.

”Bellamy, I’m here now” she says quietly, putting her hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t reply or look up, he just puts his hand upon hers, tilting his face so it rests upon their hands. They stay like that for a little while, until Bellamy sits up, releasing her. Clarke moves to the other side of the bed, pulls up a chair and sits down.

”So... do you know how it happened?”

Bellamy sighs, a sigh so heavy and full of grief she can physically feel it.

”She was making a left turn, and a car hit her straight on. The guy driving was drunk. He is injured too. He’ll live, though. But if she doesn’t...” Bellamy swallows. ”If she doesn’t, well he won’t live for long!”

Bellamy shakes his head, letting it drop between his shoulders again. Clarke sits quiet, just waiting for him to continue.

”So, anyway. She has fractures on one cheek bone and her jaw was dislocated when she was brought to the ER, which indicates she must have landed on her... face. Her helmet was broken.”

Another long pause.

”Her shoulder was dislocated, too. Her collarbone is broken, and three ribs and she has a punctured lung and a broken wrist. The doctors, though... they say she must have hit her head pretty hard for the helmet to crack like that... so, she’s got a concussion and her brain is swollen and that’s why she’s in a coma. And they say they can’t promise...”

Silence.

Clarke waits, heart heavy as she knows what’s coming, what he can’t bring himself to say out loud, because if he does, it will make it true. After what feels like a long time, he exhales slowly.

”They can’t promise she will ever wake up.”

Clarke does a sharp intake of breath at that. She knew, but hearing it spoken makes it so much worse, much more real. Octavia might never wake up. Octavia might die. Clarke might never get to talk to her again.

It’s to much to take in, so Clarke foucuses on the practical to be able to deal.

”Bellamy, have you eaten anything today? Can I go get something...?”

”No, Miller’s here. He went to get coffee and sandwiches. He should be back soon.”

”Ok. Good.” Suddenly, Clarke realises something. ”Where’s Lincoln?”

Bellamy sighs again, then looks up, eyes red and filled with tears.

”He was sitting behind O on the bike, Clarke. He... he didn’t make it.”

Clarke just stares at him, then blinks rapidly as tears are threatning in her eyes. She swallows and looks away, down at the quilt covering Octavia’s body.

”What happened?” she whispers.

”He broke his neck. Died instantly, from what the doctors say.” Bellamy’s voice breaks.

The both sit there, crying silently when Miller gets back.

”Hi Clarke. Thank you for coming, I’m so glad you’re here.” he says.

”Hi Miller.” She wipes her cheeks, giving him a small, sad smile.

”Here man.” Miller hands Bellamy a coffee mug and a sandwhich. He sits down next to Bellamy. 

They fall back into silence, only exchanging a few words here and there. They are all lost in their own thoughts, trying to grasp how much has changed in the last twentyfour hours. As the afternoon turns into evening, a nurse steps in and tells them visitor hours are over and that they need to leave for the night. Bellamy refuses at first, insisting on staying, but when the nurse explains she will be be at Octavia’s side the entire night, monitoring her, and that she will get in contact immediatly, should anything change, he reluctantly agrees to leave.

Miller drives them to Bellamy’s place. They stop on the way to get pizza. Once they’ve eaten, though no one is really hungry, Bellamy starts pacing, anxiety written all over his face. He has a haunted, desperate look in his eyes. Clarke had planned to go home, but seeing Bellamy like this, it feels wrong. Miller words what she’s thinking.

”Do you want me to stay? We can watch something together if you want?”

Bellamy tries to look calm and collected but fails misserably.

”No, Miller. You’ve got the coffee shop all day tomorrow. You need your sleep. I’ll be fine, I promise.”

”I can stay if you want? I have no classes tomorrow.” Clarke hears herself say.

Bellamy looks at her, surprised but eyes softning. Then he nods.

”Yes. Yes, please.”

”Thanks Clarke!” Miller says. ”Call me if you hear something, ok?” He steps up to Bellamy and gives him a big hug. ”Call me, ok?” he repeats.

Once Miller is gone, a silence falls between Clarke and Bellamy. They sit down in front of the tv and Bellamy flips through the channels, settling for a Matt Damon movie that’s just started. It’s clear he can’t concentrate though, as he gets up from the coach within minutes, heading for the kitchen.

”I’ll check for snacks.”

Clarke sits and waits, listening after sounds from the kitchen, but there is none. In fact, it’s so quiet, it gets eery. That is, until she hears a broken cry. She rushes for the kitchen and finds Bellamy leaning against the table, bent over, hands spread out as he howls, long, broken and heartbreaking sounds of pain and agony. 

”I can’t lose her, Clarke! She’s all I’ve got! I can’t lose her! I can’t live if she dies!”

Clarke runs to his side, cradeling him up in her arms. He stiffens, then pulls her close, burrying his face in her neck. She stands there, rocking him as he cries and sobs and screams. It goes on for a really long time, and at one point she considers calling Miller, but finally he calms down and it seems the worst is over.

”Bellamy, you need to try and sleep, ok?” she whispers, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. ”I’ll be here, I’ll stay on the couch. I’m not leaving.”

He looks so tired, all of a sudden.

”Ok”, is all he says. 

He shuffles to the bedroom and comes back out with an extra pillow and a quilt and one of his t-shirts.

”I’ve got a spare toothbrush, too.”

Clarke fixes up the sofa and then goes to brush her teeth. Bellamy’s already done, she can see him from the hallway, sitting on the edge of his bed in just his underwear and a t-shirt. She stops in the door, leaning against the door frame.

”Good night, Bellamy. I’ll be right outside, ok? Don’t hesitate to wake me if you need me.”

He looks up at her, looking lost.

”Ok. Thanks Clarke.”

She goes back to the livingroom, crawls under the quilt and then lies there, staring out into the darkness, so very sad. She lies like that for a long time, letting her thoughts wander, when suddenly she hears something and looks up. Bellamy is standing in the doorway. She sits up.

”What is it, Bellamy?”

”I can’t sleep.” He swallows, then look straight at her, his face so open and naked. ”Could you... lay with me? Could you just hold me?” His voice is raw with emotions.

She stands up, grabs her pillow and walks towards him. He turns and goes back to his room with her in tow. He lays down in his bed, making room for her, turning his back to her and she only hesitates for a second, then slides in besides him, snuggeling up behind him, putting her arm around his waist. He puts his hand above hers, squeezing it a little. 

They lay like that for a bit, just breathing together. The intimacy feels right, not forced or awkward. They need this. They need each other. Suddenly, Bellamy speaks.

”She was so small, Clarke. First memory of her? So tiny and beautiful and perfect. Mom let me name her, did O tell you that? I named her after Augustus’ sister. I was very into roman history at the time...” 

He falls silent, in thoughts.

”She loved me when she was a kid. She was kind of a tubby, and when I came home from school, she used to greet me in the hallway, wobbling towards me on those chubby legs. ’Ellamy’, she used to say, reaching her arms up above her head, waiting for me to lift her up and hug her, big smile on her face.”

He makes a sound, a broken laugh, ending with a sob.

”When she got older, she looked up to me. She was proud to have a that much older brother. But then mom died and I became more of a substitute for a parent. And those teenage years? Those were rough. I think she hated me at times.”

Clarke speaks then.

”I can’t imagine that, Bellamy. She talks about you all the time. Yes, she’s annoyed at you at times, but even then, she admires you. Her eyes shine when she speaks of you. She loves you, Bellamy.”

A sob suddenly wrecks him again. She holds him as he cries, carding her fingers trough his hair until his sobs subsides, his breath evens out and he finally falls a sleep, wrapped up in her arms, and as she lies there, listening to him breathing she knows that she loves him and that she will stick by him through all this, no matter what. And with that, Clarke falls a sleep too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Coco04 and escape4rmreality for your feedback and your encouraging comments. You made all the difference when I was completely stuck. So thank you, so very much.


	9. Chapter 9

Clarke wakes up all tangled up in Bellamy. He is like a warm blanket spilled over her. His head is reasting right by her shoulder and he has got both an arm and a leg thrown across her body. His hand is kind of cupping one of her breast on top of her t-shirt, which is kind of weird and intimate but somehow so incredible sweet and innocent at the same time. She turns her head and looks at him.

He looks so peaceful, lying there. Somehow, sleep makes him seem younger. All the protection he wears when awake, the cynism, the sarcasm, the bravado is gone, leaving him soft and vulnerable. She wants to kiss him then, kiss his beautiful, naked face and tell him she loves him and that everything will turn out ok, as long as they are in it together.

That’s when he wakes up.

He stiffens slightly, eyes going from sleepy and unfocused to vide open and questioning in a fraction of a second, but just as quickly there is remembrance in them and he relaxes back into the bed. He doesn’t move or shift away. She lays perfectly still, holding her breath, looking into his eyes. They lay like that for some time, just looking at each other. 

After a while, his hand, that is still covering her breast, slowly, very gently starts to circle it, caressing it’s form with his fingertips. He is looking at her as if to see her reaction to what he’s doing. Whatever he sees in her eyes must be encouraging, because he slowly slithers closer, then stopping, hesitating, looking at her again, asking a silent question, before he leans in and kisses her.

It’s soft and slow at first. His lips are warm on hers, nibbling and caressing and then his tongue is there, searching for entrance and she gladly opens up, letting him in. He keeps it tender and slow, though, like he could go on like this forever, just kissing her gently, not pushing for more. Clarke gets lost in it, the feeling of his mouth on hers, his breath and taste. 

He finally draws back, and she instantly misses him, chasing his mouth with hers. He rolls over on his back, looking at her again with a softness in his eyes that makes her heart open up to him even more. She closes the distance between them, kissing him again as she slides one leg over him, and in one smooth motion she is straddling him, never breaking the kiss, her hands reaching up to cup his face as she deepens it.

His hands finds her hips and his fingers digs in to them as his kisses starts to become more urgent. She sits up then, feeling him against her, as she pulls off her t-shirt, exposing herself to him. He is looking at her with awe, as he pulls his own shirt over his head. She rises a little, slides her panties down, then pulls at the waistband of his boxers, and as he lifts his hips she tears them off. When they are both naked, she straddles him again, kissing him as she rocks against him, and suddenly he is where she needs him to be and he slips inside and it’s tender and sweet with caressing hands and soft whispers until it’s not because it needs to be more, so much more, and it’s fast and hard and it’s too much and not enough, but then it suddenly is and it’s more than enough, it’s mindblowing and shattering and together and so insanely good. After, she is lying on his chest, breathing heavily, and she knows he is it for her and she isn’t scared anymore.

They lay like that for a little while, before they get up to take a shower. Bellamy fixes them some breakfast and it’s like they are in a bubble, where time currently stands still and there’s only them and the outside world can’t touch them.

It doesn’t last, though. 

Bellamy’s anxiety creeps up on him and he starts clenching his jaw and carding his fingers through his hair and Clarke knows he needs to go to Octavia.

”So, I’ve been thinking”, she says. ”You need to work, and I’m almost done with most of my classes, so why don’t we take turns? I can study at the hospital and you can go to work and I’ll call you if anything changes?”

Bellamy looks up at her. ”You would do that?”

”Well, of course! She’s my friend, Bellamy! I’ll give you my schedule and you can talk to Miller and work out something that works for all of us?”

”Ok. Yeah.” He looks down, swallowing, clearly fighting with some emotions he doesn’t know how to handle. ”  
”Thank you... for everything. Yesterday. And... well, everything.”

She just smiles at him. ”Could you drop me of at the dorm? I have a class, but after that I’ll come by the hospital, ok?”

He nods. ”Sure. Let’s go”.

•

They fall into a pattern the weeks that follows. Bellamy picks her up and drives her to the hospital, where she spends her days in Octavia’s room, studying or scetching. He comes back late afternoon, after his shift at the coffee house is over. Sometimes she stays with him for a while and they sit and talk. They talk about everthing and nothing. He tells her more about his and Octavia’s childhood. Memories, some good, bright and funny, some dark and rather horrible. She tells him about her somewhat authorative mother, about her fight to be allowed to study art and about her fathers death. But also about sunny childhood memories with Wells.

”Ahh. The boyfriend?” Bellamy says.

”Ehh, the friend who happens to be a boy?” Clarke replies. Bellamy looks down, but she catches the smile he’s trying to hide.

What they don’t talk about is them. Clarke really wants to, but Bellamy has retreated from the place they were at that morning in his apartment, not to the same he was before, but still, there’s a distance, an emotional wall she can’t get past. He doesn’t initiate intimacy, doesn’t hug her or try to kiss her. He never once suggests that she should stay at his place and she is to proud to ask or suggest it herself. 

She wants to, though. She wants to touch him again. Run her fingers trough his smooth hair, kiss him, caress his arms and back, feel him inside of her again. She craves him. But the more days that passes, a dread settles in her stomach, a feeling that he is done with her, that what she thought was mutual feelings were in fact only need for comfort on his part. It eats at her, but everything is so fragile and she doesn’t want to push, afraid she will break something if she does. Besides, with Octavia’s condition, Bellamy has so much to try and deal with emotionally as it is. She knows she can’t expect him to figure out what they are to each other when all of that is going on. But still. It eats at her.

On wednesday morning, two and a half weeks after the accident, Clarke walks into Octavia’s room in a really bad mood. Bellamy had been short and snappish the entire drive over, and she has no clue why and more importantly, why she was the target for it and she had just gotten out of the car, slamming the door behind her, because she is just so fed up with his mood swings. She sits down in the comfy chair by the window, as she always does, when the respirator’s alarm system suddenly starts beeping, and then Octavia is moving, her head twisting as if trying to get away from something, and Clarke realises Octavia is breathing against the machine and she is about to wake up!

All of a sudden the room is filled with nurses and doctors and Clarke wakes up from her shock and slips out of the room to call Bellamy.

”Yeah?” She can tell he is still grumpy and sour. 

”Bellamy, where are you?” 

”Almost at the coffee house. Don’t tell me you forgot something, because no way am I turning around just...”

”Bellamy! Octavia is waking up.”

There’s a long silence, and then a small sob and she hears that he is crying.

”I’ll get there as fast as I can!” he says, then ending the call.

By the time he gets to the hospital, Octavia has been taken off the respirator and is slowly opening her eyes, but they fall shut right away. The doctor tells them it’s normal and it will take her some time to recover but so far everything looks very promising as her pupils reacts to light in a normal way. He can’t promise anything, but there’s a good chance she is going to be ok.

Bellamy sinks down on a chair next to her bed and grabs her hand. He rests his head against the bed and starts to cry. Clarke doesn’t really know how to react, what to do. It’s happy tears, tears of relief and she wants to hug him and then she just figures screw caution and she does. She leans over him and puts her arms around him and he doesn’t pull away, instead he puts his hand over one of hers and squeezes it a little.

She goes to get them coffee some time after that, and when she gets back, Octavia’s awake, looking very drowzy and out of it, but she’s awake. Clarke puts the coffee down and then leans in to hug her.

”I’m so happy to see you awake, Octavia. You have no idea!” She swallows around the lump forming in her throat.

Octavia smiles a little. Then she turns to Bellamy.

”What happened? Why am I in a hospital bed, surrounded by weaping people? I don’t remember?” Her voice is faint and hoarse.

Bellamy looks at her, silent, until he seems to brace himself.

”You were in an accident with your bike, O. A drunk driver hit you.” There is caution in his voice.

”Wow!” Octavia whispers. ”Pretty serious judging by your faces.” 

She lays back, eyes starting to fall close again. Suddenly, she stiffens, eyes opening wide, turning towards Bellamy. There’s a panicked expression on her face.

”Wait!” she says, ”there’s something...” 

She looks at Clarke than back at Bellamy, and then something clicks in her mind, Clarke can see as the pieces fit together.

”Lincoln, he was there. I remember! I was giving him a ride!”

She stares at Bellamy then, who refuses to meet her eyes.

”Bell, how is he? Why isn’t he here? Is he hurt?”

Bellamy doesn’t answer, so Octavia turns to Clarke.

”Clarke, where is Lincoln! Where is he?!” Her voice rising higher, but Clarke can’t bring herself to answer.

It’s Bellamy that takes Octavia’s hand, grounds her, leaning in to lock eyes with his sister.

”He didn’t make it, O” he whispers, mouth trembeling. ”It breaks my heart to have to tell you this, but he didn’t make it. He is dead. Lincoln is dead, Octavia.”


	10. Chapter 10

Clarke doesn’t stay long after Bellamy has told Octavia about Lincoln. She feels she is only in the way, as Octavia breaks down in her brother’s arms. It is a family thing, and Clarke feels like an intruder, so she quietly slips out of the room. She is thinking she will call Bellamy later, which she does, but the call goes directly to voice mail and since she doesn’t know what to say, she leaves no message.

Two days later there’s a knock on her door. She is just about to leave for the park, carrying her sketch book and pencils, heading out to make some sketches for an art project, but it’s also an excuse to get out of her room, since she is so restless and bored. When she opens the door, there’s Bellamy. 

”Hi!” she says. ”I was just about to...”

”Is this a bad time?” he asks, nodding towards her bag slung over her shoulder.

”No! No, I can... it’s not important. Come in!”

”I’m picking up some stuff for Octavia”, he continues, stepping inside, passing by her, starting to search through Octavia’s wardrobe. ”I just spoke to the dean”, he continues. ”Octavia is taking a break in her studies the coming semester. She needs to focus on getting better.” He clears his voice.

Clarke actually has been wondering about that, if Octavia would be ready to continue her studies or not, but hearing Bellamy say it still is a bit of a shock. Everything will be so different, she realises. The accident changed so much so fast and it affects all of them.

”How is she, Bellamy?” Clarke says, as she sits down on her bed.

He stops in his search and goes to sit down opposite her, on Octavia’s bed. He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. He looks sad and tired.

”Mostly in denial. Stares at the wall a lot. But what scares me? She’s so cold, Clarke? I’ve never seen her like this, she hasn’t cried once since I told her. It’s like she has shut down all emotions. Except one. She is angry.” He sighs again, pulling his fingers through his hair in a frustrated movement. ”She’s mad at me. When I try and talk to her, she tells me to shut up or go away and when I ask why she says I never wanted her to be with Lincoln anyway and now I’ve got my wish.” He looks up at Clarke. ”What am I suppose to say to that?” 

The hurt is showing in his eyes, and she suddenly gets a flashback to that night at his apartment, when she found him in the kitchen all lost and devastated because he was so scared of losing his sister.

”Grief is hard, Bellamy. She is in shock. She needs time. Just give her time?” she says, searching his eyes. He looks away.

”Yeah, time. I guess you’re right.” 

He gets up and starts to put stuff in a bag. Clothes. Some books. Octavia’s laptop.

”The doctors think they can release her in a week”, he suddenly says. ”She will have to go in for physiotherpy, but she can go home.”

”Ok, that’s great!” Clarke replies.

He stops with the packing and looks at Clarke, then.

”She’s not coming back here, though. She’s moving in with me. She will need a lot of help in the beginning and also, there’s to much memories of before here. She said she can’t deal right now. So, I’m the lesser of two evils in this case, I guess. Besides, if she’s not going to study, I’ll save money not having to pay for this room.”

Clarke feels a little sad, realising Octavia isn’t going to be her room mate anymore, although she understands her. Of course it’s better for Octavia to stay with Bellamy, but Clarke will miss her so much.

”Of course, I understand. I’ll miss her though, you tell her that?”

Bellamy shakes his head. ”No, you tell her yourself. She’ll need her friends more than ever. You just come by to see her, ok? I’ll let you know when she is coming home with me.”

He continues packing, seemingly throwing things in at random. Clarke wants to go over and put her arms around him and tell him things will eventually be alright, but things have been so weird between them lately, she overthinks it and then it becomes impossible, too big somehow. 

She doesn’t know what he wants. He has given her so much insight into him, opened up, has told her intimate details of his life, his emotions and thoughts and he still does. At the same time he is closed off and impossible to read. He hasn’t once mentioned their morning together or even hinted that it meant something, which in that moment it clearly did, at least for her. She is feeling to vulnerable to ask him, though, because a rejection would be to much to handle right now.

He puts one last book in the bag, then throws it over his shoulder, while turning towards her.

”So... I’ll let you know, ok? Oh, and me and Miller are going to drop by and get the rest of her stuff later this week” he nods at her, eyes searching hers. ”I just... well... thanks again, Clarke. You’re a great friend. I understand why she appreciate you so much.”

Clarke dies a little at that. Did he just tell her he wants them to be just friends? She forces a smile on her lips, nods back at him.

”Well, she is the best, so...”

She shrugs a little. He nods again, looking down, a small, almost shy smile on his face.

”Yeah. She is. So, I’ll see you around!”

And then he is gone and Clarke is left feeling confused and frustrated and a bit sad. Two days later, as she gets back from lunch with Wells, she finds Octavia’s side of the room emptied with only a note from Bellamy on her bed. 

”O comes home tomorrow. Don’t be a stranger. Bell.”

•

Clarke stops by at Bellamy’s about a week later. She can hear the siblings argue through the front door. Bellamy opens with a frown on his face, looking jaded and irritated.

”That bad?” Clarke mouths at Bellamy.

He just rolls his eyes and makes a sweaping gesture towards the livingroom.

”She’s all yours!”

”I heard that!” Octavia yells.

”I don’t give a shit if you did, O!” Bellamy returns, disappearing into the kitchen.

When Clarke steps into the livingroom she finds Octavia slumped in the sofa, staring at the tv with unseeing eyes. She sits down beside her. Octavia doesn’t look up.

”So, how are you doing, Octavia?” Clarke asks, putting her hand over Octavia’s. ”And don’t give me the bullshit, badass version? I want the truth?”

Octavia turns towards her, looking angry.

”I’ll give you whatever fucking version I want, ok?”

But then her eyes softens and she seems to shrink and her mouth starts to quiver and all of a sudden she buries her face in Clarke’s shoulder and starts to cry.

”I miss him so much, Clarke! I feel like I’m dying inside!”

Clarke doesn’t respond, just puts her arms around Octavia and lets her cry. It goes on for a long time. Somewhere in the middle, Bellamy emerges from the kitchen with coffee. He takes one look at the scene and the sadness on his face makes a lump form in Clarke’s throath. He puts the coffee down on the table and sits down in the armchair. 

They sit like that for a bit, until Octavia’s sobs fades. She sighs once, heavily, then straightens and sits up, curling her legs beneath her. When Bellamy hands her her coffee mug, she accepts it.

”You’ll have to go, O”, Bellamy says.

Octavia sighs again.

”I won’t go to that stupid guy with his stupid excercises!” she snaps.

”What stupid guy?” Clarke asks.

”My physiotherapist. Ilian. I hate the guy. Annoying.”

Bellamy just shakes his head.

”Octavia thinks he’s annoying, but all he is is persistant, yet nice and kind. She tries to push his buttons but he doesn’t bite. He just lets her go on till she’s done. So, naturally O finds him annoying”, Bellamy explains. He turns to Octavia. ”Anyhow, annoying or not, you’re going and I’m driving you in an hour.”

Octavia just shrugs. Bellamy gets up and goes to fetch his phone.

”By the way, I’m having a beer with Miller tonight after work, so I’ll get in rather late, ok?” he calls to Octavia.

”If you’re going to hook up with Bree, just say so, ok? I heard you talk to her earlier!” Octavia mutters.

Clarke freezes, looking straight at Bellamy who has just gotten back inside the living room. She can hardly breathe through the sharp pain that tears through her chest and settles like a cold weight in her stommach.

She can’t believe she has been so stupid! He told her, straight up, said he wasn’t interested in relationships, that he only was in it for the sex. And yet, here she has been, weawing stupid fantasies, reading to much into things he has said, done, how he has looked at her. Here she has been, falling in love with him, while he probably has had second thoughts about sleeping with her in the first place, wondering how he should explain to her that it didn’t mean anything to him. She feels like she is going to throw up.

Bellamy seems frozen too, staring at Octavia. Clarke looks down at her hands, trying to push down her emotions and not show how much what Octavia just said is hurting her.

”Jesus O, can you for once think before you speak!” Bellamy blurts, woken from his frozen state.

”What?! I can’t help overhearing! You said ’see you later’, and since you two only seem to have sex in common, I just figured...”

”Yeah, you figured. Can you just please stop meddling in my sexlife, ok? You’re my sister, for crying out loud!” Bellamy yells, throwing his arms out in an exasperated gesture.

”If you’ll stop making your booty calls in the kitchen, I will!” Octavia yells back.

Clarke gets up then. 

”Ok. Clearly not my business so I’ll just let myself out and come by another day, ok, Octavia?” she says, heading for the door.

”No, Clarke, you just got here? Octavia whines. ”Don’t mind me and my ass for a brother, he can go sit in the kitchen until it’s time to go to the physioidiot.” She glares at Bellamy.

”No, really”, Clarke says. ”I just stopped by to see how you were, I need to go anyway. Thanks for the coffee.” 

She looks at Bellamy. He is staring at her with an unreadable expression on his face. Shame? Guilt? Remorse? She can’t decide.

”Clarke...” he says, taking a step towards her.

She instinctivly takes one back, holding up her hand.

”No, it’s fine. I’m going. See you both later, ok?” and then she turns and leaves, closing the door behind her. And she feels her heart breaking a little as she does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I would love some input on this chapter. Thanks for sticking by!


	11. Chapter 11

Clarke stops by Octavia many times the following weeks. She always calls first to make sure Bellamy’s at work. Octavia gets stronger day by day. She still complains about Ilian, how he pushes her, how annoying his calm personality is, how he is such a nerd and how frustrated she is with him, but the edge is gone from her voice, and Clarke swears she can hear fondness in Octavia’s tone. She doesn’t ask or say anything about it, though. She knows Octavia is still very much in grief and that she has a long way to go until she is ready to move on, but it’s still good to hear something else than sadness or detachment in her voice.

”So, are you avoiding Bellamy, or what?” Octavia asks out of the blue.

Clarke is so thrown by the change of subject, she doesn’t know what to respond.

”What... ehh, why do you...?”

”He told me you stayed with him the first night, after the accident? He said you kept him sane, centered? Also, that you sat by me at the hospital every day and often stayed with him when he came by after work. Kept him company. He felt like you two became friends. But now, you never see him. So, are you avoiding him?”

Clarke looks down, swallowing. She suddenly feels tears threatening her eyes. Hearing Octavia retell what Bellamy has said about her, about them, makes it real.

”You have feelings for him, don’t you?”

Clarke inhales deeply, looking up at Octavia. Octavia takes one look at her, then her expression turns pitiful.

”Oh god! It’s worse. You’re in love with him!”

Clarke just sits there, feeling numb and torn up at the same time. By the look Octavis gives her, it’s obviously showing on her face. 

”Just tell me, what has happened between you?”

So Clarke tells her. Not in great detail, and she leaves out the morning sex, that’s to sensitive and prescious for her to share, but she tells enough for Octavia to get the picture. She is careful to point out that none of it is Bellamy’s fault and that he’s been clear about what he wants and doesn’t want from the beginning.

”So, what are you going to do about it?” Octavia asks.

”Do? What can I do? I’ll just wait it out and with enough time these feelings will parish?” Clarke sighs.

”What?!” Octavia blurts. ”You’re not going to tell him how you feel?”

”No, Octavia. What’s the point? It will not change anything and only make him uncomfortable”, Clarke says, sadness creaping into her voice.

”But... are you sure that he doesn’t feel the same? He talks so warmly about you, Clarke? Maybe if you give it time...?”

”No. I can’t afford to get more invested in this, Octavia. My heart can’t take it. Not after Finn. I just can’t go through that again!” Clarke’s determination makes her voice hard.

Octavia sits quiet for awhile.

”Do you want me to talk to him? Quarry a little?” she asks.

”No, Octavia. I told you this in confidence. Please don’t say anything to him. Please.”

Octavia doesn’t look convinced, but then she sighs and nods.

”Ok. I’ll keep quiet. For now. But if he gives me the tiniest of a hint he has feelings for you, I’m going to put both of you in a room and barricate the door until you’ve talked it out. Just so you know.”

Clarke smiles a little at that. She leaves shortly after, since Bellamy’s is expected home from work in half an hour.

Later that night, her phone buzzes.

Bellamy: O told me you’ve been by. Guess I missed you. Again. Which kind of sucks, since I kind of miss you. So, are you ever going to be here when I get home from work?

She stares at the phone. She has no clue how to respond. Why does he do this to her? She wants to ask him, but no. Deep down, she knows what this is. He likes her, she knows that. They get along, they have fun, the sex is amazing. He misses that, misses the attention. But the moment he gets it, gets what he wants, he’ll drop her for another round with Bree or Roma or some new thing he needs to conquer. But she won’t give him what he wants, no matter how much her entire system screams at her to give in. Not this time. She needs to be strong and protect her heart.

She sits there for some time, thinking it over before answering.

Clarke: I’m done with my classes for the semester so I have a lot of free time during the days. Since O is alone most of her days too, it’s suits both of us. I’ll drop by some evening soon.

Her phone buzzes again.

Bellamy: Yeah, ok. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I just wanted to say I would like to see you. It’s been a while.

Her heart aches. She wants to be real. She wants to tell him the truth. But she can’t make herself do that. So she keeps her distance.

Clarke: No problem! I’ll stop by, promise.

Bellamy: Good. Looking forward to it.

She doesn’t answer that. And she doesn’t intend to keep her promise. She just can’t see him right now. It’s to soon and she is still to weak. She needs the distance, needs to put things in perspective. 

Come saturday, she decides to go out with Raven again. They go to Monroe’s, like last time. Luckily, no Finn in sight this time, though.

”So, how is everything with Bellamy and Octavia?” Raven asks after they’ve gotten drinks and found a table.

”Well, Octavia is getting stronger by the day. She still has really bad days, though, when she cries all day, or worse, just sits and stares into nothing. They’re less frequent and doesn’t last as long as before, though, which is good” Clarke answers. ”I think she likes her physiotherapist. It’s to early to say, but I feel he has been good for her, helping her cope with her grief. He seems like a wonderful person. If nothing else, she has made a new friend, and right now, she needs friends.”

”And Bellamy?” Raven gives Clarke a knowing look.

”He’s good, I guess? He is working, taking care of his sister you know? Actually, I haven’t seen him for awhile.” Clarke looks down at the table.

”What?” Raven snorts. ”Last time I saw you two, you were all over each other. What happened?”

”Well, an accident, for one? And then some. I just... I guess I... developed feelings for him, you know? And he’s not a feelings kind of guy. So while I thought something was happening between us, he was banging other girls. So, reality check, I guess.”

”What?!” Raven yells. ”What an ass!”

”No!” Clarke snaps. ”Sorry, but no, he’s not. He hasn’t lead me on or deceived me in any way. He was upfront about not wanting a relationship from the beginning. It was me who got carried away, let my imagination run wild. And now, I need distance to get over him.”

”Well”, Raven says, ”you won’t get it here because he just walked in with Miller and Murphy.”

Clarke panics slightly, so she gets up from her chair, whispering ”I can’t deal! I’m going to the bathroom” to Raven, before disappearing into the crowd. 

When she gets to the bathroom, she doesn’t go in, she just stands in the dark hall for quite some time, trying to calm down and decide upon a way of action. Finally, she takes pity on Raven and heads back out. And of course, all the guys are seated at their table. 

Bellamy spots her first, like he’s been waiting for her. A grin spreads on his face, and her heart aches again because he is so gorgeous when he smiles, it’s unreal.

”Clarke! Come sit down. I haven’t talked to you in ages, how have you been?” he says.

So she has no choice but to say ’hi’ and ’what are the odds’ and stupid platitudes like that as she sits down, next to him. She greets Murphy and Miller, asking Miller how he’s been and how is everything with the coffee shop, then turning to ask Murphy what he did again, she didn’t quite remember, and all the time she can feel Bellamy next to her, radiating heat and presence and she can feel his questioning eyes on her. Eventually she runs out of things to ask the others and so she’s got to face him. He looks a little confused.

”So, is Octavia by herself tonight?” she asks.

”Nope”, he says. ”Gaia came over. Staying the night, in fact.” 

His eyes bores into hers, there’s heat in them and she knows the information he gave her is to let her know he doesn’t have to go home, if he doesn’t want to. She doesn’t aknowledge it, though.

The evening continues. Bellamy is glued to her side, reminding her of the last time they were here, and what followed. He drinks a lot, getting tipsy, and she realises this is the first time she has seen him like that. When his hand finds it’s way to her lower back, starting to trace small circles, her entire body screams for her to give in, but her mind refuses. But she doesn’t shake him off either. He keeps making patterns over her lower back, until he leans in and whispers in her ear.

”I miss you. I miss touching you. Your skin. Your hips. Your gorgeous breasts.” He inhales deeply. ”I miss your smell. Your taste. I miss kissing you. The sounds you made when I was touching you. How you felt, moving above me.” 

His hand grips her hip as he leans closer.

”Don’t you miss it? Don’t you miss me?”

”Bellamy, let go of me!” she whispers, pushing his hand away. She turns to the others.

”Raven, I’m sorry but I feel a headache comming on. Am I horrible if I bale?”

Raven looks at her with a pensive expression.

”No, of course not. I have the best company here. But will you be alright?”

Bellamy stands up besides Clarke.

”I think I’ll go to. I’m tired. I’ll make sure you get a cab.” he says.

Clarke shakes her head.

”You don’t have to. I can take care of myself. Really!” she gives him an irritated look, then turning to the others again. ”Good night, guys!”

Bellamy follows her as she walks out. There’s no cab in sight, so they stand there in an awkward silence. Clarke doesn’t look at Bellamy, but she is so aware of him standing so close to her.

”Why are you mad at me, Clarke?” Bellamy suddenly asks.

Clarke sighs. She doesn’t want to do this. Not now. Maybe never.

”I’m not mad at you, Bellamy”, she says, sounding tired.

”Then why does it feel like you are? You’ve been avoiding me. So, what is it, what have I done? Is it the thing with Bree, because th...”

”Oh god, can you just not, Bellamy!” Clarke snaps.

”Can I not what, exactly? I just... did you want us to be exclusive? Because we never talked about it and you never mentioned it after so I thought you didn’t... you know... care?” He sounds unsure.

Clarke doesn’t respond, she just stands there trying not to cry, thinking about their morning together, the intimacy and tenderness of it, and how her entire being opened up to him then and how hard it’s been realising he doesn’t feel the same.

”Or maybe you just thought it was a mistake? But if so, why did you let me touch you again that morning at my place?” he says.

Something breaks in Clarke as he mentions that morning. Tears spill out of her eyes. She tries to push them down, turning away.

”Clarke? Wait, what... are you crying?” He grabs her arm and turns her against him. When he sees her face he looks a bit shocked and sad. 

”Clarke, what... what did I do?”

”Nothing Bellamy! I’m just... let go of me!” She tugs her arm free, cluthing it to her chest.

They fall silent. She stares at the ground, refusing to look at him. 

”Clarke. Please. Talk to me?” Bellamy’s voice is soft, urgent.

A taxi suddenly appears, and she raises her hand, taking a step forward. As the taxi pulls to the side, she turns to look at Bellamy. 

”I fell in love with you, Bellamy. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to, but I did. And it changed everything. And now, I need to get over you, but I can’t do that if you keep pushing. And I can’t be just another booty call, Bell. I can’t.”

She opens the door to the taxi, hesitating. Bellamy just stands there, with a pained expression on his face.

”Clarke, I really, really like you. Maybe we could... I don’t know... we could be exclusive, if you...”

Clarke didn’t think a heart could break more than once, but she realises she was wrong. The pain makes it hard to breathe. 

”Goodbye Bellamy” she manages as she slips into the taxi and shuts the door. As the taxi pulls away she doesn’t look up. Had she done so, she would have seen him standing at the pavement, staring after her looking sad and confused and forlorn. 


	12. Chapter 12

Clarke throws herself into a frantic nightlife, after the evening that turned into a disaster, but that left Clarke feeling odly clensed, like finally everything is out in the open and they both know where they stand. She calls everyone she has ever known, going out every other night, flirting and dancing and drinking to much. She doesn’t take it further, though, just needs to keep herself occupied, trying to stop thinking about Bellamy and the heartache that is her daily life. She needs the attention, the thrill, needs to feel wanted, sexy, attractive.

Wednesday night, ten days after she told Bellamy about her feelings, she’s out with Monty and Jasper dancing with a really hot guy named Rick that hasn’t left her side the entire evening, when she suddenly spots Bellamy at the bar. She freezes in midstep, doesn’t really know what to do, when a slow song starts playing and she is saved by Rick pulling her close. They start to sway to the rythm of the song, and she doesn’t object as he pulls her closer and his hands starts to wander down her back, stopping just above her buttocks. She can feel him pressing hard against her hip. 

”God, you’re so hot!” Rick whispers. ”Can you feel what you’re doing to me?” he almost moans in her ear. 

She answers by giggling a bit, moving her hips in a teasing way towards his. He grips her tighter at that, grinding against her hip as he pants in her ear.

”Clarke. Can I talk to you?” Bellamy’s voice is razor sharp, cutting through her buzz.

Rick steps back a bit, looking at Bellamy with annoyance.

”What, Bellamy?” Clarke slurs, turning towards him, realising she is more drunk than she would have thought.

She glances up at Bellamy. He looks posessive and irritated, glaring at Rick then looking at her again.

”Can I talk to you? Please?”

”No, you can’t. I am dancing and you are interupting me. Not cool”, she says, turning towards Rick, starting to sway her hips. Rick pulls her close again.

Bellamy looks furious, but he turns without another word and leaves the dancefloor. Clarke’s heart beats hard.

”Who was that guy?” Rick mumbles in her ear, as he presses against her again.

”Just a guy I used to know”, Clarke replies. 

But when the song is over, Clarke has lost all her inclination to party. Her buzz is wearing off and she feels sad and tired. She tells Rick she isn’t feeling great. He is clearly disappointed but after she accepts his phonenumber, promising to call, he gives her a hug and disappeares in the crowd, searching for his friends. She spots Monty talking to a cute girl at the bar so she goes over and tells him she’s heading home. She doesn’t see Bellamy as she leaves the bar.

In the evening the day after, there’s a knock on her door. She has just finished getting ready for bed, planning an early night with some reading since she is still tired from the night before. She tiptoes to the door, looking out the peephole. 

It’s Bellamy. Clarke’s heart jumps in her throat as she’s having an inner debate about opening or not. In the end the need to find out what he wants wins out. She feels very self concious, only wearing a camisole and panties, but she opens anyway.

He looks a bit stunned taking her in, and his eyes widens a bit, lingering on her breasts before looking away, blinking. His eyes catches hers.

”Can we talk?” he says, pleadingly.

She steps aside, letting him pass. He sits down on what used to be Octavia’s bed as she goes to sit in the middle of her own, pulling her legs up to her chin, wrapping her arms around them. She looks at him with a blank face, waiting.

”So, first. I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did when you told me you are... in love with me. Would you believe me if I said I had no clue you felt this way?” Bellamy’s face is open and sincere. 

Clarke just shrugs. Bellamy continues.

”Well, I didn’t. I know you like me, ok, and I know you are attracted to me and, yeah, you definitely like how I touch you, but you made it clear that you didn’t want a relationship and especially not with me, so how was I supposed to know? I thought you just wanted sex but was pissed of because you wanted it to be exclusive.”

Clarke just sighs. She gets why he might think so, yes, but why does he has to come here to tell her?

”Ok, I get it”, Clarke says. ”My bad. Are you done?”

”No, I’m not!” Bellamy snaps. Clarke flinches a little at that, so he sighs and rubs his hand over his face. ”I...” He sighs again, then looks straight at her.

”I won’t lie, Clarke. I don’t want a relationship. It’s to complicated and everything in my life is so uncertain, and I don’t feel ready to commit like that. It scares me. And I still need to be the parent figure in Octavia’s life. I need to provide for her. There’s just so much I can give and that would eventually lead to bitterness and resentment.”

They sit in silence, lost in thoughts. The tension is palpable. Clarke’s the one who breaks it.

”I understand, Bellamy. I do. But please, you’ve got to understand that I can’t have you calling me or texting me or even worse, approaching me when I’m out! And this, you coming here? It’s not helping! You tear me up everytime you do!” She rises from the bed. ”So I need you to leave, ok?”

She turns towards the door when he reaches out, grabbing her wrist. In one motion, he gets up, pulling her to him.

”Clarke...” he is searching her eyes but she won’t meet his, trying to pull away.

”Bellamy, no!” 

He grabs her shoulders, pushes her down on her bed.

”Clarke, I need you to hear this. I’m not done. I...” he crouches in front of her, looking at her with desperation. ”I am not done thinking this through. I need to... I think... I mean, I...” he looks up at the cealing, with an anguished frown. ”Oh, fuck it!” he blurts. ”I think I have feelings for you too!”

Their eyes meet. He looks terrified, like he is ready to bolt but keeping himself put by sheer determination.

”What?” is all she can say.

”I said, I think I have feelings for you too. And it scares me more then you can imagine! I have tried to push it down, you know? Keeping my distance? The Bree thing? Total disaster, by the way!” He looks down, shaking his head. ”Still. The feelings? They are there. I miss you when you’re not around. And not just the sex, but you. Not that the sex isn’t fucking awesome, because it is, damn...” he looks up at her, eyes suddenly heated. ”But I miss you. I miss who I am when you’re around? I miss your kindness and humour.” He reaches out and tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear. ”So, I can’t make any promises. You might wind up hating me. I will most likely hurt you. But if you still want this, I think I want to try. This. With you.”

The emotions welling up inside at the realisation of what he has just suggested is to much, and tears pools in her eyes again.

”Really?” she whispers.

”Really.” he says.

She surges forward, taking his face in her hands, and when his mouth meets hers, it’s like a flood breaching. She laughs, cries, caresses his face, then kisses him again. He looks at her with happiness, smiling as he lays her down on the bed. 

Things slow down then. He trases his fingers along her neck, over her shoulder, down her arm and back up again, slow, tentative, worshipping her. Small goosebumps covers her skin in the trail of his fingers. His hand wanders down over her chest, trails a pattern between her breast down over her tummy until they reach the hem of her camisole, and his eyes never leaves hers as he starts pushing it up until he bares her for him. His eyes sweaps down then, and she can see his pupils dialate as he takes in the sight of her, lying naked, only wearing her panties.

”God Clarke, you’re so gorgeous. So fucking beautiful.”

He leans down and when his mouth closes around her, she’s bending her back, offering herself to his hungry mouth. She gets lost in the feeling of him, floating on a wave of happiness and pleasure. After some time he raises up, tearing of his t-shirt, unzipping his jeans, stripping down to his boxers, and then he is sinking down again, covering her with his body and it feels so good, having his naked skin pressed against hers. She gets a little frantic. She burries her fingers in his hair and tugs at the ends as he kisses her again.

”I want you like this all the time!” he moans. ”I can’t imagine ever getting tired of this. You do things to me, Clarke!” 

She pushes him aside then, takes of her camisole and stands up on her knees, skimming out of her panties. He watches her with eyes full of lust and heat. He takes of his boxers and then he is on her and pushes her down on the bed, and his hands are everywhere, doing their magic as he whispers praise and dirty words in her ear. 

She takes over after, guiding him inside her and things slow down again, and it’s so very intimate and real and them and they make it last for a long time because they need the closeness and as he finally comes undone inside her, he shivers in her arms and whispers that she is his girl. 

They lay tangled up in each other afterwords. He caresses her body, plants little kisses on her face, her shoulder, wherever he can reach. Eventually his breath evens out and she realises he has fallen asleep. As she lies there, his arms around her, she whishes it will last, that they will make it work. But no matter how hard she tries to ignore it, there’s a small voice in the back of her mind whispering that she made the wrong decision, that she should have turned him down. ’He will break your heart, and this time you won’t be able to put it back together again.’


	13. Chapter 13

When Clarke wakes up the next morning, Bellamy is still there, sound asleep, an arm thrown over her body, and yes, his hand is curved around her breast again. She smiles a little. Guess he must really enjoy them if he keeps fondling them even when he’s asleep.

She wakes him up with little kisses and plays a little with his hair, because he likes it so much. He is such a sleepyhead, snuggling up against her, burrying his head in her neck, but she won’t let him because there’s something she really wants to try, so she sneaks down under the sheets and presses light kisses down his chest and stomach, lingering a bit above him before going down.

If she thought she knew all the sounds he makes during sex, well she was wrong. Bellamy moans and whimpers and sighs, like she hasn’t heard before and at one particular time, he even growls. As dominant and in charge as he has been in bed, it’s new to watch him just lay there, unguarded and exposed to her will, just taking it, spread out for her to explore. It’s glorious and as he comes, he goes completly slack as he exhales with a final, shuddering moan.

She slides up besides him again, and he turns and kisses her, soft and tender, still caught up in the afterglow.

”I can get used to waking up like that every morning”, he smiles, looking drowsy and happy and ingenuous and it does things to Clarke, makes happiness spread like warm tendrils in her chest.

”Oh, I bet you could”, she says, nudging him, ”but don’t you have work today, sleepyhead?”

He grunts at that, throwing an arm over his face.

”Do I have to? Can’t we just stay in bed all day and have lots of sex instead? I can call in sick, make something up Miller would buy?” He peaks up at her, looking mischievous and cunning.

”Get up, you bum!” she laughs.

She jumps out of bed, barely escaping his hands grabbing for her, but he follows her with a growl and a wild chase takes place, her laughing hysterically while trying to reach the bathroom, but he catches her and kisses her and shuffles her into the shower and as she turns on the water and it streams down over them he pushes into her from behind, and in no time has he brought her to a shivering mess, and as she colapses against the shower wall, thinking she’s never felt this happy and in tune with anyone, he follows with a low grunt. It’s perfect.

She puts on a bathrobe and as he gets dressed she makes coffee and some sandwiches and they eat their little breakfast sitting on her bed, and it’s easy and leisured and they make jokes and exchange little touches and Clarke feels safe and happy and that forboding she felt the night before is vanished.

Until he is leaving. He gives her a hug, plants a soft kiss on her lips and opens the door, then turns to look at her.

”Clarke, could we keep this, you and me, well... could we keep it between us for now? Not tell the entire world immediatly? Find our way first?” he says.

He is smiling, reaching out to caress her cheek, but he could just as well had slapped her, that’s how she feels inside. She manages to not let it show, though. At least she hopes so. She nods, forcing herself to smile.

”Yeah, sure.”

”Not for long, you know? Just... I’ve never done this before? I need to be able to explore it without all of our friends knowing and prying, ok?” he adds.

”I understand, Bellamy. It’s fine. Now go, Miller’s expecting you!” 

She pushes him out the door. He steals a kiss again.

”I’ll call you tonight, ok?” he says, before he takes off down the hallway. As she closes the door behind her, she tells herself she’s beeing silly, trying to get back to that feeling of happiness she had felt earlier, but the persistant voice from the night before is back and no matter how hard she tries she can’t shake the feeling that this new, fragile thing between them never had a chance to begin with.

•

Bellamy comes by after work. They eat pizza and snuggle up in her bed and watch episodes of Supernatural and Bellamy wants to know if she’s into Dean or Sam and when she refuses to tell him he starts to tickle her but soon the tickeling turns into kisses and caresses instead and her laptop slides of the bed and hits the floor but keeps playing ”Carry on my wayward son” as she sits in his lap, his arms thrown around her, his face burried between her breasts as she sinks down on him, and it’s so good and in sync and he makes her feel wanted and beautiful and in love. 

Unfortunatly, the feeling is short lived. He cuddles for a little while, but then he has to get up to take a quick shower and go home to Octavia. Clarke is left feeling like a booty call. She knows he doesn’t intend to make her feel that way, but she still does. She tries to shake it off, though, deciding to watch another episode of Supernatural before she goes to sleep and when her phone beeps about half an hour later, and it’s an sms from Bellamy, she feels a little better again.

Bellamy: Night baby. Miss you already. Wish I could’ve stayed, wanted to wake up next to you again. Talk to you tomorrow.

She texts him back, trying to keep it light and not revealing her feelings of insecurity.

Clarke: Good night, Bell. I miss you too. Some parts more than others. Call me tomorrow.

Her phones beeps almost instantly.

Bellamy: Tease!!! How am I supposed to be able to go to sleep now?!

She smirks a little. 

Clarke: Oh, I’m sure you’ll come up with something? You’re really handy after all? ;)

Her phone beeps again. 

Bellamy: You’re so going to regret this tomorrow, I swear! <3

Clarke hesitates a little, but then quickly types another sms.

Clarke: Yes, I probably will. Night!

•

They get into a pattern after that. He comes by after work, they order take away and watch tv together, or he calls her and they meet up on a coffeeshop or go to the movies. They almost always stops by her dorm room after to have sex and then he goes home to Octavia. 

It’s not bad. It’s really not. He is kind and funny and they connect on so many levels. He is affectionate and loving and obviously cares for her a lot. But he never once brings up when they are going to announce to their friends that they are actually dating. And it’s getting harder to hide, as the weeks goes by and turn into months.

She forgets herself. They are out at Monroe’s with their friends and he says something funny and she instinctivly leans forward and ruffles his hair the way she often does when they are alone and he stiffens and pulls away, giving her a quick look that clearly indicates he’s not ok with it, and she pulls her hand back and quickly composes herself, but inside she feels like she has been stabbed.

Or she is having coffe with Raven and starts talking about something she and Bellamy have done and Raven gives her a curious look and she has to make up a cover story about how they happened to bump into each other at the mall. She’s not sure Raven buys it, but she doesn’t pry, thankfully. So yes, it’s getting harder. And all the time, Clarke wonders when Bellamy will be ready to go public.

On the happy side, Octavia is doing much better. In the beginning of october, she is almost fully recovered. She still gets very tired because of the severe concussion suffered from the accident, but other than that, Ilian seems to have worked wonders. She doesn’t need physiotherapy any more, but she still sees Ilian at a gym three days a week to work out together. 

”I’ve kind of gotten used to bicker with him, you know”, she smirks. ”And he is so self-controlled, I’ve made it a life goal to break his composure. I can’t quit now, that would be like backing down from a challenge!” Octavia suddenly smiles a small smile that Clarke is not supposed to see, but she does and it tells her Octavia will be fine, because the happiness and tenderness that she saw in Octavia’s eyes just then, thinking of Ilian, she hasn’t seen since the night of the accident.

”O, have you’ve seen my phone?” Bellamy interrupts, coming out of his bedroom. 

Octavia looks up.

”Yes, brother. You forgot it when you left this morning. I’ve been your personal secretary all day. Bree called. Twice. I took the second call. She wants you to call her back.”

Bellamy’s and Clarke’s eyes meet as Octavia rambles on, seemingly oblivious to the sudden tension in the room.

”Oh, and then some girl named Gina called? You could call her back when you had the time?” Octavia carries on.

Clarke stares at Bellamy. He looks a little guilty, but mostly annoyed.

”And finally, dear Murph called and said he would be expecting you to show up at his party on saturday, or he would consider it an act of war, or something?”

Bellamy’s jaw clenches.

”Thank you, ever meddling annoyance of my existance. Could I have my phone back now?”

Octavia tosses him the phone, rolling her eyes. They keep on bickering, as Bellamy sits down in the armchair next to them. He keeps glancing over at Clarke, but she ignores him.

Suddenly everything is so clear to Clarke. This, the thing she and Bellamy has, it will never be what she wants it to be. He is clearly not ready to commit to her, giving up his old life style. She doesn’t know if he’s been unfaithful or not and it doesn’t matter. What matters is she has had enough. She’s worth more than this. She deserves to be with someone that is proud to be seen with her, someone who isn’t just offering her parts of themselves. She loves Bellamy, she really does and she thinks he actually loves her back, but she realises he needs to figure that out for himself and maybe he never will and she can’t sit around waiting for that to happen, because it’s killing her.

She stands up.

”I need to get going. I’m meeting Wells later”, she says.

”I’ll go with you”, Bellamy says, jumping up. ”We need milk”, he says to Octavia.

They walk out in silence. Once outside she stops and looks at him.

”Bellamy, this”, she gestures between them, ”with us? It ends here. So you are free to do whatever you want with whomever you want to do it with.”

She can see how what she just said sinks in and how he panics at the thought.

”Clarke, come on! I haven’t done anything! It’s not my fault they’re calling!” he blurts.

”Well, you could have told them to stop? Told them you had a girlfriend? But you didn’t. And you won’t. And I’m not waiting for it anymore, Bellamy.”

”Clarke, please? I want this. Us. You... you make me better? Happy.” He pleads with her, reaching for her. She takes a step back.

”I used to think that too. You made me glow. I felt excited every time as was going to see you. But now... you’re not making me happy, Bellamy. Not the way things are. I’m not happy.”

He looks like she had just slapped him. He falls quiet, just standing there, looking at her. She can see when the wall goes up, the one he puts up as a shelter against the world, and now against her. 

A part of her wants to reach out and pull him into her arms. She loves him so much. But this time, she can’t. So she doesn’t. 

”I’ll miss you, Bell. I really will. I wish things...”

”Yeah. Whatever.” 

He turns and pushes the door open and walks up the stairs and she is left standing in the street feeling both relieved and so incredible devestated at the same time, and she stands there for some time, trying to collect herself. She then walks to the bus stop and as the bus arrives, she remembers another time a lifetime ago when she jumped on the same bus and he stood there, looking after her. This time he isn’t and he won’t be again and somehow she needs to accept that and move on with her life. But not right now. Right now all she needs to do is make it home. ’One day at a time’, she thinks. ’One day at a time.’


	14. Chapter 14

Clarke keeps busy the following week, trying to get into new routines. She tries to do stuff on her own, for herself, something she is really bad at but needs to prioritize. So, she goes to see Wonder Woman alone, goes for morning jogs, finds a new, favourite coffee shop where she spends some afternoons, reading while sipping on a really good double espresso. She feels ok. Sad, heartbroken and lonely, but still secure in the fact that she made the right choice.

Saturday night, she is woken up by her phone ringing. She shuffles around for it, confused and dazed, barely awake.

”Yeah?” she mumbles when she finally finds it.

”Clarke? Baby?” 

She can hear the sounds of a party in the background, people laughing, mumurs, music playing. She stays quiet.

”Baby, please? Are you there? Clarke?” Bellamy slurs, clearly drunk. 

Someone yells in the background, it sounds like Bree.

”Bellamy, get off the phone and come dance with me?”

”I don’t dance”, he replies, irritated. ”Clarke, are you there? Come on! Please?!” 

He sounds sad and desperate. She feels sad too, but right now, more angry and annoyed. 

”You woke me up!” she snaps. ”I was sleeping! You can’t just call and wake me up like that, ok? I’m hanging up now. Good night!”

She ends the call and sets the phone in silent mood. She tries to get back to sleep, but it’s hard as she is still alarmed after being woken up in such a brusque way. She keeps thinking about Bellamy, picturing him with Bree at Murphy’s party. Jealousy and anger roars inside her and she twists and turns for what seems like an hour, cursing him to hell and back.

Suddenly, someone pounds hard on her door. She almost screams, that’s how startled she is. She jumps out of bed, crosses the floor and throws open the door. Bellamy is standing in the hallway, looking ruffled and drunk. He is swaying, clearly having trouble focusing. He takes a step towards her.

”Baby, please forgive me,” he slurs, gripping the doorframe with one hand as if to steady himself.

”Bellamy, what the hell are you doing here in the middle of the night?! You can get me in so much trouble! Get in here!” she hisses, roughly pulling him in, shutting the door behind them.

”I’m sorry!” he says, trying to get his act together but failing. He slumps down on the empty bed. Clarke crawls into her own, pulling the quilt up. She trows an arm over her eyes, refusing to make this easy for him. The silence stretches. She hears him sigh, heavily.

”I miss you so fucking much!” he suddenly says, voice strained and intense, filled with emotions. ”I dream about you, you know? About being with you, kissing you and fucking you, every fucking night, and then I wake up, all hard and frustrated and so fucking lonely!”

She inhales sharply at that. ”Bellamy, shut up! I don’t want to hear about it! God! What’s wrong with you?!” 

There’s silence again, then shuffling and suddenly she feels her bed dip down as he sits down besides her. 

”Get the fuck off my bed right now, Bellamy!” she growls.

”Clarke, I didn’t mean... I wasn’t going to do anything... I just... wanted...”

He suddenly dips forward, laying his upper body over her, wrapping his arms around her through the quilt.

”Bellamy! Get off me and get off my bed! Now!” 

”Please Clarke! Please forgive me! I’ll do better, I promise. I’ll tell everyone, I’ll tell them you’re my girl, I promise. I’ll erase all phone numbers, I’ll block all of them!” he cries.

”Get off my bed right now or I swear I’ll scream and wake the entire dorm up!” Her voice is cold and sharp and set.

He stumbles up and stands there, swaying. It’s like he suddenly realises how intrusive his behaviour is. 

”God Clarke, I’m so sorry...” 

He makes a pained face, then turns and heads for the door.

”You’re not going anywhere, Bellamy!” she says, sharply. ”I’m lucky no one noticed when you showed up, and no way am I letting you out to try to find your way home this drunk. You’re crashing here. In O’s old bed. And you’re leaving tomorrow morning. Go brush your teeth and wash your face, I’ll fetch a pillow and some sheets for you!”

He stares at her, looking indecisive, but then he crumples, exhausted and beaten as he heads for the bathroom. As soon as the door closes behind him, Clarke jumps out of bed and pulls out her extra sheets and a pillow and quickly fixes the bed for him. When he comes back out, she has turned of the lights and has turned her back to him. She feels him halter, standing still, before he sighs and she hears him sit down, pull his jeans off and then there’s the rustle of sheets as he lays down.

They lay in silence for a long time. Suddenly he speaks.

”I’m so sorry for everything. For being an ass. For being too scared. For coming here. For what I said.”

He falls quiet again. She slowly relaxes, listening to the sounds of him breathing. She feels herself drifting off when he suddenly speaks again.

”I love you, Clarke.”

Her heart misses a beat and she wants to jump up and beat him silly or hug him or start to cry, but she doesn’t do any of those things. She just lays there, quiet and he doesn’t say anything more either and eventually both Bellamy and Clarke fall asleep.

•

The morning after is awkward but Clarke takes pity on him as he clearly feels like shit in every possible way. She fixes him an asprin and pours him a large glass of orange juice. He quietly thanks her, goes to take a shower and brush his teeth, and when he comes out he looks slightly better, a little less pale at least.

He silently walks to the door, puts on his shoes and picks up his jacket. Then he faces her. He looks sad and tired, but somehow still determined.

”I want to appologise, Clarke. My behaviour last night...” he throws an arm out, looking weary. ”I have no excuse. Not for this autumn, either. I just need you to know this... I haven’t been with anyone else since you and I started dating... not since before then, even. And I never been happier than during these months with you.” His voice breaks a little. ”And I know it’s my own fault I’m so unhappy right now and that I don’t deserve your forgivness. And I understand if you don’t want to hear this...” He swallows. ”But I still want this. Us. More than I ever wanted anything in my life... so... if you change your mind, I’ll be here waiting for you? Ok?”

She sits at her bed, arms around her legs, looking down. She doesn’t know how to react or what to respond, terrified that she will break and take him back and be happy just to have him crush her again, winding up in the same spot. She can’t do that. 

”I’ll leave you alone now. Thank you for not throwing me out last night. I’ll miss you, Clarke.”

And then he’s gone and she can finally allow herself to feel and react, as she curls up in her bed and cries like she hasn’t allowed herself in a long time.

•

The rest of the autumn goes by without much ado. Clarke gets a new room mate, Maya, a shy, quiet girl that keeps to herself and isn’t interested in being social and spends the majority of her days at the library, so Clarke still has the room pretty much to herself. 

She sees her friends from time to time. Raven is getting serious with Wick, so she hasn’t that much time but they go for coffee now and then. She seems really happy, which makes Clarke happy too. Wells, the eternal bachelor, surprises her with the news that not only has he met someone, a girl named Glass, but that he’s moving to New York to start a new life with her. 

Actually, it’s Octavia that Clarke sees most of. They have taken up power walking together in the mornings, and after they often go to Clarke’s coffee shop to spend an hour over a cup of coffee. That’s where they are one morning in december when Octavia suddenly puts down her cup with a determined look on her face.

”Ilian has asked me out and I said yes!” she exclaims.

Clarke’s smile is wide and honest.

”Oh, Octavia! That’s great news! I’m so happy for you guys.”

Octavia looks relieved as a happy smile spreads on her face.

”Really? You don’t think it’s to soon? That I... defile Lincoln’s memory?” There’s an anxious look in Octavia’s eyes.

”No. No, Octavia. Lincoln would want for you to be happy. He loved you and you loved him. You’ll always have that. But you deserve to live and be happy, Octavia. You do.”

Octavia smiles a melancholy smile.

”Yeah. Ilian makes me happy, you know? He’s... well, he gets me? He gets that he can’t replace Lincoln? And he doesn’t try to. He’s just... real, you know? Grounded?”

”Yeah. And you deserve him.”

”Thanks Clarke. So, anyway. Still carrying a torch for my brother?”

Clarke just shrugs at that.

”Yeah, I guess.” She sighs. ”I’ve never felt so in tune with anyone else, you know? He made my heart hum.” 

Octavia shakes her head at that. ”Well, I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t get it, though”, she smirks but still looks kind of proud.

Clarke sits in silence, then makes up her mind.

”We were together, you know? In secret? For little more than two months.”

Octavia just stares at Clarke.

”What?! When?!”

”From late august until early october?”

Octavia’s face suddenly turns knowing, as she nods to herself.

”Aha. Makes every sense. That’s why he went from singing in the shower in the mornings to be all broading and grumpy and just a general pain in the ass to live with around mid autumn.” She looks up. ”But why the secrecy?”

Clarke sighs.

”He wanted to be able to explore ’us’ without prying eyes, if I recall his words correctly.”

”And why did it end?”

”I realised I had enough? Him, still getting calls from his hook ups? I felt like he wasn’t ready to give up on that part of his life and I couldn’t sit around and wait for him. It was killing me.” 

Clarke looks away, feeling the old pain awakening again.

”But you still have feelings for him, right?” Octavia asks. 

Clarke nods.

”He’s such a dumbass!” Octavia exclaims, slamming her palm into the table.

”Yeah, well. He is, but I kind of get why, though. He has bagage, Octavia? Trust issues? Anyhow, it is what it is. He didn’t mean to hurt me, it just turned out that way.”

”Still! A Dumbass!” Octavia says. ”Speaking of dumbasses, are you going to Murphy’s new years party at Monroe’s?”

”I haven’t decided. I don’t know if I can face Bellamy on a rebound?”

”Actually, I haven’t heard from, seen or heard him speak of any of his hook ups in months. So I don’t think you have to worry about that. Come to think of it, he’s turned into a munk, kind off? He works, gets home, watch tv or reads, and then he goes to bed. Never going out or anything. Regular grandpa for you!”

Clarke smiles a little at that.

”I’m sure he would be thrilled to know you call him grandpa. And about the party, I’ll think about it, ok?”

•

On christmas morning, Clarke’s at her mother’s and they have just had breakfast, getting ready to open their presents when Clarke’s phone buzzes. It’s an sms from Bellamy. Her heart speeds up. She excuses herself, going into the kitchen to read it.

Bellamy: Clarke. I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope you are happy. I hope you are with people who love you. I hope you will have the best time. You deserve it. I wish I was there with you. I will always wish for that. Bell.

Something inside Clarke that has felt whitered and dead suddenly unfolds, spreading tendrils of warmth and joy inside her. The feeling is new and fragile and scary but she craves it after an autumn of beeing numb so she lets herself indulge in it for a while. She then types a short reply.

Clarke: I wish you the best, Bellamy. Always. Merry Christmas. See you at Monroe’s on New Years?

His reply comes immediatly.

Bellamy: Wouldn’t miss it for anything.


	15. Chapter 15

When Clarke arrives at Monroe’s new years eve, most of her friends has already arrived. Raven has brought Wick, and Clarke likes him immediatly. He is hot, charming, smart and witty with a quirky kind of humour that Clarke finds utterly amusing. Jasper is talking to Maya of all people, and Clarke hardly recognizes her normally so shy room mate. She is practically glowing. Jasper looks smittened too. Clarke smiles. It’s good to see her friends happy. Octavia is there too, she is talking to a really handsome guy that Clarke figures must be Ilian. She walks over to them.

”Hi Octavia. Happy New Years!” 

Octavia gives her a big hug. 

”Clarke, this is Ilian.”

He smiles warmly at her. 

”Nice to meet you, Clarke. Heard so much about you.”

Clarke laughs.

”Oh, not as much as I’ve heard about you, I’m sure. What was it you used to call him, Octavia? Your ’physioidiot’”? 

Ilians laughs at that. It’s such a warm, sweet and genuine laugh and Clarke can see how Octavia’s entire being lights up. Yeah. He is definitly good for her.

”Octavia, I just spotted your brother, I’m going to go say hi”, Ilian says. 

Clarke turns around to see Bellamy at the other end of the room, talking to Miller. Clarke’s heart swells, and there’s butterflies in her stomach. Oh, how she has missed him! He looks gorgeous in his black suit and he has cut his hair. It’s rather short and he has obviously tried to tame his curls, but without much success. Clarke suddenly feels so much affection and tenderness towards him. That’s when Bree appears by his side.

Clarke feels disappointment settle within. Of course. Silly of her to think things would have changed. So ok, maybe he was a bit heartbroken at first, but it’s been three months. He is a grown man. Only natural he has bounced back by now. But if that’s the case, why the sms on christmas? Why not just let it be, instead of stirring things up again, opening old wounds?

”What’s with that fucking leech?!” Octavia growls to Clarke, refering to Bree, as she follows Ilian to go greet Bellamy. 

Clarke watches as Bellamy lights up when he sees them. He shakes hands with Ilian while gripping the younger mans shoulder, then turns towards Octavia, pulling her in for a bear hug. That’s when his eyes catches Clarke’s. He releases Octavia, watching Clarke with an uncertain smile on his lips as he gives her a small wave. Clarke raises her hand a little in response. 

”Clarke! Come sit with us!” Raven yells, and as Clarke turns she sees Raven holding up a bottle of wine and glasses while nodding towards a table where Wick’s waiting. Clarke looks back at Bellamy, shrugging and pointing apologetically towards her friends. He nods, smiling again. She feels a rush of anticipation at that. So, them seeing each other for the first time in nearly three months went fine. Hopefully she’ll get an opportunity to speak to him later. She goes over to Raven and Wick and shortly after, Octavia and Ilian comes to sit with them as well. 

As the evening continues, Clarke actually has a really good time. Despite the fact that Bellamy hasn’t come to sit with them, as she had secretly hoped he would, and that she is feeling slightly anxious about that, she’s in good company. Wick and Ilian quite unexpectantly make a great duo, as Wick’s whit and puns and irony somehow fits perfectly with Ilians calm personality and it seems he always has the right comeback or cue to keep Wick going. Clarke hasn’t laughed this much in forever, her stomach muscles actually hurts. 

Before no time, the clock has passed eleven and soon people are getting ready to celebrate, ordering champagne at the bar. Clarke fetches glasses and a bottle for her and her friends to share, and is heading back to their table when her path is suddenly blocked by a very drunk Bree.

”So. The favourite in all her glory.” Bree slurs.

”Excuse me?” Clarke says, no clue to what Bree is talking about.

”You’re the favourite! His favourite! The actual ’girlfriend’. Funny though, how you haven’t even said hello to him tonight. Makes me question why he’s with you at all, you know?”

Bree gives her a drunken glare.

”Ok.” Clarke sighs. ”First, I don’t know you and we’ve never talked, so awkward much? Second, what the hell are you talking about?” 

”I’m talking about you and Bellamy! I’m talking about you stealing him from me!” Bree shouts. 

The place seems to fall quiet, as every pair of eyes in the entire room turns to look at them. Clarke just stares at Bree, in complete and utter astonishment.

”Eh... what?” she says, voice shaky.

”You’re even dumber than you look”, Bree says.

”Shut up, Bree!” Bellamy snarls, angry and upset as he comes up besides them. ”Leave Clarke alone, ok!”

Bree looks up at Bellamy with a hurt expression, that turns into a grimace.

”Oh, here he is, the knight in shining armour, your loving boyfriend, coming to defend you”, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she turns to look at Clarke.

”He’s not my...” Clarke’s voice falters, she doesn’t know how to explain what he is to her, but more importantly, she doesn’t want to. Not to Bree.

”I’m not her boyfriend, Bree.” Bellamy’s voice is hard and mean. ”I just told you that to get you off my fucking back, ok?!”

Bree looks like she wants to punch him in the face or start to cry.

”But I was”, Bellamy continues. ”I was her boyfriend. We were together for several months, in secret. She was mine and it was the best damned months of my life but I screwed it up because I was a self absorbed ass! She was mine and I loved her but I didn’t do right by her, ok? So she left me and no one is to blame but me. And you know what, Bree? I still love her, ok?”

Bree just stares at Bellamy, clearly stunned by his outburst.

”...Well, she doesn’t want you, but I...”

Bellamy interrupts her. 

”I don’t want you, Bree”, he yells, gripping Bree’s shoulders, looking into her eyes. ”I don’t want you in any way, ok? I’m not going to sleep with you again! Ever! Can you get that into your head? I’m sorry to be coarse, but you refuse to hear me! I don’t want you or any other girl!” 

He releses Bree, taking a step back, running his fingers through his hair in a frustrated motion. He takes a deep breath, suddenly calming down, the frustration replaced by sadness. 

”I only want her”, he says, voice low and full of emotion. ”I only want Clarke. And it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t want me. Don’t you get it, Bree? I STILL LOVE HER!”

And with that he turns away from Bree, passing Clarke, disappearing into the crowd, heading for the front doors and Clarke is left standing there, in shock, as the room surges to life again.

Clarke turns and walks by Bree, not taking notice of her. She puts the bottle and the glasses on the table in front of her stunned friends.

”Well, that was unexpected!” Octavia says.

”Clarke, is it true?” Raven asks. ”Did you guys date?”

”Yes....”, Clarke says. ”Yes, we did...”

”So... champagne, anyone?” Wick asks. Raven glares at him while Ilian tries to hide a small smile. Clarke just stands there, unsure of what to do or feel.

”Clarke”, Octavia says quietly. ”How are you doing?”

Clarke snaps out of her daze then, looking at Octavia, and suddenly she knows what she must do, what she needs to do.

”I’m sorry guys. I need to leave, ok. Happy New Year, everyone.”

She hugs Octavia who whispers ”go get him!” before she goes to get her coat and then she’s outside looking around for Bellamy, but he’s nowhere to be seen. So, Clarke waves at a cab and asks the driver to take her to Bellamy’s apartment. As she is sitting there in the dark and the taxi drives through the city, she worries a bit about her impulsive decision. What if he didn’t go home? What if he just went for a walk around the block to calm down and is already back inside Monroe’s and she will be standing outside his apartment all alone as the clock turns midnight? But when the cab pulls up by the pavement next to his building, she can see that the lights are on at his place. 

He opens almost immediatly when she knocks on his door. He doesn’t say anything and neither does she. They just look at each other and then he steps aside and she enters. She takes of her coat and kicks off her shoes and follows him into the living room. He sits down in the sofa and covers his face with his arm. He has thrown his suit jacket and tie over the armrest. She sits down besides him.

”I’m sorry for lying to Bree”, he says, voice strained. ”I’m sorry for her attacking you. And I’m sorry for my outburst. Seems like that’s all I’ve been, lately. Sorry.” His voice trembles slightly.

”It’s ok, Bellamy”, Clarke says. Then she takes a deep breath and just asks. ”Was it true?”

He doesn’t ask what she refers to. He knows. 

”Yes”, is all he says.

Clarke swallows. The happiness bubbling up inside her is threatening to burst her chest open. 

”Good. Because I love you too.”

Bellamy sits up then, turning towards her. He looks scared, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

”Really?” he whispers.

”Really.” she answers.

And then they are kissing and it’s the best thing and Clarke has never been happier, until she notices he’s crying, but it seems like it’s a mix of happy tears and tears of regret and relief and he probably needs to get it out of his system, so she doesn’t say anything, she just holds him. He whispers how sorry he is, how he wish he could turn back and do better, how happy he is that she has forgiven him and that he will do anything to make it work this time.

They sit together, embracing each other. He ends up resting his head on her shoulder, while she is straddling his lap, carding her fingers through his hair in soft, slow motions. They sit like that, quiet, for a long time, until she realises the clock must be long past twelve already, so she softly whispers to him.

”Happy New Year, Bell.”

He looks up at her then.

”Happy New Year, Clarke.”

She leans down and kisses him. It’s a kiss holding promises of the future. She then starts unbuttoning his shirt, looking into his eyes as she does so. He looks back at her with awe and heat in his eyes. When she’s finished she gently helps him out of his shirt and then she raises up and takes of her top and unbuttons her trousers as she watches him do the same.

”Make love to me, Bell” she says.

He steps forward, lifting her up in his arms, kissing her and she wraps her legs around his waist as he carries her to the bedroom, not once breaking the kiss. He carefully puts her down on the bed, letting her fall back against the pillows and then he lays down besides her, looking at her with so much love and happiness in his eyes, and she knows he sees the same in hers. He leans over to kiss her and soon Clarke forgets about everything but his hands and his mouth and his words as he winds her tighter and brings her higher and finally he releases her as her orgasm roars through her and all she can do is let the pleasure totally engulf her as she gasps ”Bellamy!”

He pulls her into his lap as he sits up, resting against the headboard and she sinks down on him and rides him while he keeps telling her how beautiful she is, how amazing she feels, how he adores her. They come together with muffled gasps and moans, him shuddering under her in his release, she slumping against him, feeling him twitch and pulse deep inside of her. It’s beautiful and perfect and everything they have ever wanted or needed and as they lay there in the afterglow, all tangled up together, he leans in and kisses her forehead with the outmost tenderness. 

”I love you so much, Clarke”, he whispers. ”I’m not afraid anymore. I know what I want now, and it’s you. And I need to ask you something.”

Clarke feels so drowsy, she just mumbles.

”Mmm...”

Bellamy pauses for a bit. He plays a little with her hair, combing it with his fingers, letting the strands of hair spill between his fingers, before he takes a deep breath, whispering.

”Will you marry me? Not tomorrow but... will you? Some day?”

But Clarke doesn’t respond. She is already asleep, lost in sweet dreams of him. So he just sighs, pulls her closer and burries his face in her neck. He’ll ask her tomorrow, he thinks before he also drift asleep.

Tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s a wrap. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!


End file.
